LI Phil
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Posts: 2637
Loc: Long Island (40.7N 73.6W)
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What's the difference between a woman having her period and a terrorist?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.
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What do they call a woman who works as hard as a man? Answer: "Lazy."
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Two guys and a girl were sitting at a bar talking about their lives.
The one guy said, "I'm a YUPPIE. You know, Young Urban Professional."
The second guy responded, "I'm a DINK. You know, Double Income No Kids."
They then asked the woman, "What are you?"
She replied: "I'm a WIFE. You know, Wash, Iron, F--k, Etc."
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What do you call a room full of women, half with PMS, half with yeast infections?
A whine and cheese party
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The Top 10 reasons why a handgun is better than a woman
#10 - You can trade an old .44 for two new .22s.
#9 - You can keep one handgun at home and have another for
when you're on the road.
#8 - If you admire a friend's handgun, and tell him so, he
will probably let you try it out a few times.
#7 - Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you have a
backup.
#6 - Your handgun will stay with you even if you're out of
ammo.
#5 - A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
#4 - Handguns function normally every day of the month.
#3 - A handgun doesn't ask "Do these new grips make me look
fat?"
#2 - A handgun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you
use it.
AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY THAT A HANDGUN IS BETTER THAN A
WOMAN . . . You can buy a silencer for a handgun.
contributed by chris m
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Why is it called PMS? -- Because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken
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Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been."
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A woman went to a doctor and said , doctor, I have a problem. every time I sneeze I have an orgasm. the doctor said, oh really, what have you been doing for it. the woman replied, snorting pepper.
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To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
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I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she's been giving me lately!
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I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life
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I have a frog in the back
A woman is shopping for a pet as a gift for her husband, but she is concerned that the prices that the Pet Shop are charging are very high. She goes to the clerk and explains her concern. "Well, I have a frog in the back that I can let you have for $50," the clerk says. "$50?" the woman replies. "That seems terribly expensive for a frog."
"Well, this frog is worth it. It's been trained to give blow jobs."
The woman is stunned, but because her husband loves this sort of sex, and because she is not particularly fond of it, she decides the frog might be a good investment. She buys the frog, brings it home, presents it to her husband, and explains its special value. The husband is skeptical, but promises he'll give the frog a try that night. The woman goes to sleep happily knowing she won't be
bothered by her husband that night.
She is suddenly awakened by a clatter coming from the kitchen. She goes downstairs and finds the frog and her husband pulling out pots and pans and poring over cookbooks.
"What are you two doing down here?" she asks. Her husband responds, "If I can teach this frog to cook, you're out of here!"
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I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?
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Girl comes in for a Checkup
A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, the doctor notices a red 'H' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue 'Y' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green 'M' on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor.
"No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin, Why do you ask?"
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Marriage changes passion................suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
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Tongue Twister
A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He immediately notices that the guy next to him also has a black eye.
He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence: we both have black eyes. Mind if I ask how you got yours?"
So the guy tells him: "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident, sort of. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the biggest breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying: I'd like a ticket to Pittsburgh, I said: I'd like a picket to Tittsburgh." "She socked me one."
The first guy responded, "Mine was a tongue twister too."
"I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife: Please pour me a bowl of Corn Flakes, but I accidentally said: You ruined my life, you lousy bitch.''
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Let's Swap Positions
"Darling" says a husband coyly to his wife: "let's swap positions tonight". "What a good idea" she replies, "you stand in front of the ironing board, and I'll sit in front of the TV and fart".
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Understanding a Woman
We need REALLY MEANS I want
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You want REALLY MEANS You need
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It's your decision REALLY MEANS The correct decision should be obvious by now.
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We need to talk REALLY MEANS I need to complain
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Do what you want REALLY MEANS You'll pay for this later.
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You're ... so manly REALLY MEANS You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
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Sure... go ahead REALLY MEANS I don't want you to.
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I'm not upset REALLY MEANS Of course I'm upset, you moron!
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You're certainly attentive tonight. REALLY MEANS Is sex all you ever think about?
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I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! REALLY MEANS I'm on my period.
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Be romantic, turn out the lights. REALLY MEANS I'm Embarrassed
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This kitchen is so inconvenient REALLY MEANS I want a new house.
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You have to learn to communicate. REALLY MEANS Just agree with me.
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Yes REALLY MEANS No
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No REALLY MEANS No
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Maybe REALLY MEANS No
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I heard a noise REALLY MEANS I noticed you were almost asleep.
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Do you love me? REALLY MEANS I'm going to ask for something expensive.
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How much do you love me? REALLY MEANS I did something you're not going to like.
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I'll be ready in a minute. REALLY MEANS Be patient I'll be a while.
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Am I a little fat? REALLY MEANS Tell me I'm beautiful.
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I'm sorry. REALLY MEANS You'll be sorry.
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Do you like this recipe? REALLY MEANS It's easy to fix, so get used to it.
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Was that the baby? REALLY MEANS Why don't you wake up and deal with the baby.
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I'm not yelling! REALLY MEANS Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.
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All we're going to buy is a soap dish REALLY MEANS Major shopping trip. Did you bring your checkbook?
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Ah Sorority Girls
How many sorority girls does it take to change a light bulb?
She holds on to it, and the world revolves around her.
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Two, one to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call Daddy.
Six, one to screw it in, and five to make T-shirts.
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What three words will a sorority girl never hear?
"Attention K-mart shoppers."
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What is a sorority girls favorite position?
Facing Bloomingdale's.
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How do you get four sorority girls on one chair?
Tell them there is a rich guy sitting in it.
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Why does a sorority girl close her eyes during sex?
So she can fantasize about shopping.
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What's the difference between sorority girls and Jell-o?
Jell-o wiggles when you eat it.
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What do you call a sorority girl's waterbed?
Lake Placid.
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How do you know when a sorority girl is a nymphomaniac?
She'll make love the same day she had her hair done.
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What is the difference between sorority girls and hookers?
Sorority girls cost less per score.
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What's the difference between a sorority girl and a phone booth?
You need a quarter to use the phone.
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What do you say to a sorority girl that won't give in?
"Have another beer."
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What does a sorority girl put behind her ears to make her look more attractive?
Her ankles.
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Why does a sorority girl wear underwear?
To keep her ankles warm.
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What is the first thing a sorority girl does in the morning?
Walks home.
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What is a sorority girls mating call?
"I'm sooooooo drunk, I'm sooooooo drunk."
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How can you tell if a sorority girl has achieved orgasm?
She drops her nail file
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What's the difference between a sorority girl and a bowling ball?
There is no difference. They're both round and have three holes to poke.
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What does the Bermuda Triangle and sorority girls have in common?
They've both swallowed a lot of semen.
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Why is a sorority girl like a door knob?
'Cause everybody gets a turn.
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What's the difference between sorority girls and garbage?
Garbage gets taken out once a week.
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How do you prevent a sorority girl from having sex?
Marry her.
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Did you hear about the new sorority girl doll?
You put a ring on her finger and her hips expand.
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What do you get when you cross a sorority girl with an lawyer?
Don't know. There's only so much an lawyer can be forced to do.
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How do you get a sorority girl in your bed?
Grease her hips so she'll fit through the door and throw a Twinkie on the bed.
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What do you call 100 sorority girls bathing on a beach in Cuba?
Bay of Pigs.
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How are a bowling ball and a sorority girl alike?
You can pick them up, stick your fingers in them, and throw them in the gutter and they'll always come back.
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What's the difference between a sorority girl and a toilet?
A toilet doesn't follow you around after you use it
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What's the difference between a sorority and a circus?
A circus is a cunning array of stunts.
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Bananas
Two old maids were grocery shopping. The sign said `Bananas - 3 for 50 cents. So they put two in the shopping cart. One said to the other, "How much will that be apiece?" The other one said, " That would be fifty cents divided by three, multiplied by two, then divided by two - whatever that comes to." So the first old maid said, " Heck, just get three. That'll be a quarter apiece and we can eat the other one.
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A Day at the Zoo
It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), grunting and pounding his chest with the free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along. She does and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall, she does, and Mr. Gorilla is just about to tear the bars down. Now try lifting your dress up your thighs...this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy. Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and says, "Now, tell HIM you have a headache."
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Riding Bikes
Two women were riding their rickety old bikes down the back streets of Rome one late afternoon. As it turns dusk, the increasing darkness starts making one of the women a little nervous. She leans over to the other and says, "You know, I've never come this way before." The other says, "It's the cobblestones."
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Why Beer Is Better Than Women
You can enjoy a beer all month long.
Beer stains wash out.
You don't have to wine and dine a beer.
Your beer will always wait patiently in the car while you play ball.
If your beer is flat, you can toss it out.
Beer is never late.
A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.
A hangover will go away.
Beer labels come off without a fight.
When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer.
A beer never has a headache.
A beer will never nag you.
A beer won't get upset if you come home and have another beer.
If you pour a beer right, you'll always get good head.
A beer always goes down easy.
You can share a beer with friends.
You always know if you're the first one to pop a beer.
A beer is always wet.
A beer doesn't demand equality.
You can have a beer in public.
A beer doesn't care what time you come home.
A frigid beer is a good beer.
You don't have to wash a beer for it to taste good.
If you decide to change beers, you don't have to pay alimony.
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2005 Forecast: 14/7/4
BUCKLE UP!
"If your topic ain't tropic, your post will be toast"
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B.C.Francis
Storm Tracker
Reged: Sat
Posts: 330
Loc: Indiatlantic Florida
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Great post LI Phil......I don`t know about you , but I think I can hear some comedy sabre rattling over in the girls camp this morning.......This could be a very interesting day on the joke front..........Hold the line.........Weatherchef
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FlaMommy
Storm Tracker
Reged: Fri
Posts: 225
Loc: Tampa(Riverview), Florida
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ITS ME AGAIN...IM BACK!!!!!!! 
Q. How are husbands like lawn mowers?
A. They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odours, and half the time they don't work.
Q. How can you tell when a man is well hung?
A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
Q. How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
A. We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
Q. How do men exercise on the beach?
A. By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
Q. How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
A. Make him wear shoes.
Q. How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A. Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
Q. How does a man show he's planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
Q. How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?
A. All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
Q. What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?
A. Any place without a drive-up window.
Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?
A. Trustworthy.
Q. What do you call the useless piece of skin on the end of a man's penis?
A. His body.
Q. What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner?
A. A power failure.
Q. What should you give a man who has everything?
A. A woman to show him how to work it.
Q. What do men and mascara have in common?
A. They both run at the first sign of emotion.
Q. What do men and pantyhose have in common?
A. They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!
Q. What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
A. His wife is good at picking out clothes.
Q. What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
A. Sex.
Q. What's a man's idea of honestly in a relationship?
A. Telling you his real name.
Q. What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
A. Put the remote control between his toes.
Q. What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man?
A. Big Foot's been spotted a several times.
Q. What's the smartest thing a man can say?
A. "My wife says..."
Q. Why can't men get mad cow disease?
A. Because they're all pigs.
Q. Why do men like smart women?
A. Opposites attract.
Q. Why do men name their penises?
A. Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90% of their decisions.
Q. Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
A. Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.
Q. Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A. Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Q. Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
A. Because if they all went, it would be Hell.
Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A widow.
Q. When do you care for a man's company?
A. When he owns it.
Q. What do men and sperm have in common?
A. They both have one in a million chance of becoming a human being.
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"Haven't thought of a witty one lately"
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FlaMommy
Storm Tracker
Reged: Fri
Posts: 225
Loc: Tampa(Riverview), Florida
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Top 10 Reasons Computers Must Be Male
10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
9. A better model is always just around the corner.
8. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
7. It is always necessary to have a backup.
6. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
5. The best part of having one is the games you can play.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
3. The lights are on but nobody's home.
2. Big power surges knock them out for the night.
1. Size does matter.
Q. Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
A. So men can be open minded
Q. Three words to ruin a man's ego...
A. "Is it in?"
Q. What can a bird do that a man can't?
A. Whistle through its pecker.
Q. Why don't women blink during foreplay?
A. They don't have time.
Q. Why did God put men on earth?
A. Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.
Q. Why don't women have men's brains?
A. Because they don't have penises to keep them in.
Q. What is the insensitive bit at the base of the penis called?
A The man
Q. What do a vagina, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
A. Men always miss them.
Q. Why do so many women fake orgasm?
A. Because so many men fake foreplay.
Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One, men will screw anything.
Q. Why do men have a hole in their penis?
A. So oxygen can get to their brains.
Q. What is the thinnest book in the world?
A. What men know about women.
Q. How are men and parking spots alike?
A. The good ones are always taken and the ones left are handicapped.
Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
On the Second day God says to Adam, "I have some good news... and some bad news." Adam responds, "Well tell me the good news first"
"Alright my son, the good news is I will give you both a brain and a penis... the bad news is I'm only going to give you enough blood to run one at a time"
Q. Three words women hate to hear when having sex?
A. "Honey, I'm home!"
Q. What is the thickest book in the world?
A. "What Men Think They Know About Women"
Q. What's the difference between an intelligent man and a UFO?
A. I don't know, I've never seen either one.
Q. Why are gingerbread men the best men of all?
A. They are cute. They are sweet. and if they give you any lip, you can bite their heads off.
Q. What's a man view of safe sex?
A. A padded headboard or fluffy handcuffs.
Q. Why do men name their penises?
A. Because their mother told them not to play with strangers.
Q. What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
A. Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Q. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
A. Because those men already have boyfriends.
Q. How many men does it take to wallpaper a bathroom?
A. Three, if you slice them very thinly.
Q. How can you tell if a man is happy?
A. Who cares?
Q. Why did the man cross the road?
A. He heard the chicken was a slut.
Men are like.....Bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are.
Men are like.....Weather. Nothing can be done to change them.
Men are like.....Blenders. You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
Men are like.....Coffee. The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.
Men are like.....Commercials. You can't believe a word they say.
Men are like.....Government bonds. They take so long to mature.
Men are like.....Laxatives. They irritate the sh*t out of you.
Men are like.....Horoscopes. They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
Men are like.....Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like.....Popcorn. They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Men are like.....Lava Lamps. Fun to look at, but not very bright.
Men are like.....Parking Spots. All the good ones are taken, and the rest are handicapped.
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"Haven't thought of a witty one lately"
Edited by FlaMommy (Sat Aug 06 2005 11:59 AM)
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B.C.Francis
Storm Tracker
Reged: Sat
Posts: 330
Loc: Indiatlantic Florida
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OUCH ! ! ! !............I think I better radio for help..........Weatherchef
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B.C.Francis
Storm Tracker
Reged: Sat
Posts: 330
Loc: Indiatlantic Florida
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1. If you think your fat, you probably are. Don`t ask us
2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if its up put it down
3. Don`t cut your hair. Ever
4.Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if he can find the perfect present , again.
5.If you ask a question you don`t want an answer to, expect an answer you don`t want to hear.
6. Sometimes, hes not thinking about you. Live with it.
7.Get rid of your cat. And no, its not different, its just like every other cat.
8.Dogs are better than any cats. Period.
9. Sunday=Sports. Its like the full moon or the changing of the tides, Let it be.
10. Shopping is not sport.
11. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
12.You have enough cloths.
13. You have too many shoes.
14. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don`t expect us to like it.
15. Ask for what you want. Sutle hints don`t work.
16. No, he doesn`t know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar
17. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We`re bound to miss sometimes.
18. Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes- what makes you think we`d be good at choosing which pair out of thirty, would look good with your dress ?
19. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
20. A headache that last for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
21. Yor Mom doesn`t have to be your best friend.
22. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
23. Check your oil.
24. Don`t give us 50 rules when 25 will do.
25. Don`t fake it. We`d rather be ineffective than deceived.
26. Its neither in your best interest nor ours to take a quiz together.
27. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
28. If you don`t dress like the Victoria`s Secret girls, don`t expect us to act like soap opera guys.
29. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
30. Let us ogle. If we don`t look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are.
31. Don`t rub the lamp if you don`t want the genie to come out.
32. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done, not both.
33. Christopher Columbus didn`t need directions, and neither do we.
34. Women wearing Wonderbras and low cut blouses lose their right tocomplain about having their boobs stared at.
35. Telling us that the models in the men`s magazine`s are air brushed makes you jealous and look petty and its certainly not going to deter us from reading the magazines.
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FlaMommy
Storm Tracker
Reged: Fri
Posts: 225
Loc: Tampa(Riverview), Florida
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The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a bar having adrink when a great-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me."
So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese." The Collie replies, "That's not good enough."
The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese." She says, "That's not creative enough."
Finally, the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone . . . cheese mine."
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"Haven't thought of a witty one lately"
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B.C.Francis
Storm Tracker
Reged: Sat
Posts: 330
Loc: Indiatlantic Florida
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There are two old ladies sitting on a park bench. A man jumps out of the bushes and flashes them.
One of the ladies has a stroke, and the other one gets mad cause she couldn`t reach....Weatherchef
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FlaMommy
Storm Tracker
Reged: Fri
Posts: 225
Loc: Tampa(Riverview), Florida
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Ever feel like your being deprived and going thru withdrawals from when u dont get on eveyday? I do:)....ok heres anotherjoke...
James was on the beach,and could not understand why Earl had attracted all the girls,while he had no luck.So he asked Earl,"why do you get all the girls and i get nothing?" Earl replied "take a potato and tuck it in your swimming trunks.It drives the women wild!"
So James stuffed a potato in his suit and paraded up and down the beach.Several hours later,he still had no woman.James went to see Earl again and said "I've tried the potato and it doesn't work!"
Earl looked at James and asked,"have you tried putting the potato in the front,there,Lumpy?" 
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"Haven't thought of a witty one lately"
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FlaMommy
Storm Tracker
Reged: Fri
Posts: 225
Loc: Tampa(Riverview), Florida
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A lawyer and a blonde woman happen to be sitting next to each other on a long flight from L.A. to New York.The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like like to play an fun game.The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap,so she politely declines and roll over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persist,saying the the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains how the game work."Iask you a question,and if you don't know the answer you pay me,and vice-versa."Again,the blonde politely declines and tries to get some sleep.The lawyer figures that since his opponent is a blonde he will easily win the match,so he makes another offer.Okay,how about this if you don't know the answer,you pay me only $5,but if i don't know the answer i pay you $500,"This catches the blonde's attention and.figuring the there will be no end to this torment unless she plays,she agrees to play the game.The lawyer ask the first question,"What's the distance from the Earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word,reaches in her purse,pulls out a five dollar bill,and hands it to the lawyer,Now,it's the blondes turn.She asks the lawyer.."What goes up a hill with three legs,and comes down with four? "The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look.He takes out his laptop computer and searches
all references.He taps into the Air-phone with his modem and searches the net and even the Library of Congress.Frustrated he sends E-mail to all his coworkers and friends he knows....all to no avail.
After over and hour of searching for the answer he finally gives up.He wakes the blonde and handes her $500.The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep.The lawyer who cannot imagine what the answer is,and is going nuts trying to figure it out,is more than a little frustrated!He wakes the blonde and asks,"Well,so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"
The blonde reaches in her purse and hands the lawyer a $5 spot says,"hell if i know",and goes back to sleep.
Moral: LET US SLEEP!!! 
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"Haven't thought of a witty one lately"
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Serino
Unregistered
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Most of the humor is just great and I find it quite original especially the stay away lady from Florida...boy is she good; I would like to hear, if it is OK , if the jokes are your own creation (wich is what I am hoping) or....never the less do not go away, keep it up, its great, thank you.
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