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Archives >> 2004 News Talkbacks

Nobody important
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Re: Hey Mike
      Tue Sep 14 2004 09:49 AM

Hope this lightens up your day a little!......topic: Hurricane Preparations:

You all should be aware of hurricane preparations, but in case you need a refresher course: We're about to enter the peak of the hurricane season. Any minute now, you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather person pointing to some radar blob out in the Atlantic Ocean and making two basic meteorological points.

(1) There is no need to panic.

(2) We could all be killed.

Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Florida. If you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one."

Based on our insurance industry experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:

STEP 1: Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days.


STEP 2: Put these supplies into your car.


STEP 3: Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween.


Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Florida. We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:


HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE: If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements:


(1) It is reasonably well-built, and

(2) It is located in Wisconsin


Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first place. So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house. At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss.

SHUTTERS:

Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all the doors. There are several types of shutters, with advantages and
disadvantages:

Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them yourself, they're cheap.


Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once you get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.


Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to use, and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you will have to sell your house to pay for them.


Hurricane-proof windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman says so. He lives in Nebraska.


Hurricane Proofing your property: As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc... you should, as a precaution, throw these items into your swimming pool (if you don't have a swimming pool, you should have one built immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly missiles.



EVACUATION ROUTE:


If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver's license; if it says "Florida," you live in a low-lying area.) The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.



HURRICANE SUPPLIES:



If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them now! Florida tradition requires that you wait until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last can of cat food. In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:



23 flashlights. At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when the power goes off, to be the wrong size for the flashlights.

Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the bleach is for, but it's traditional, so GET some!)

A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.)



A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators. (Ask anybody who went through Andrew; after the hurricane, there WILL be irate alligators.)

$35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.



Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.

Good luck and remember: It's great living in Paradise.

Post Extras Print Post   Remind Me!     Notify Moderator


Entire topic
Subject Posted by Posted on
* Hurricane Watches Up from Morgan City, LA to St. Marks Florida MikeCAdministrator Tue Sep 14 2004 09:49 AM
. * * Good Link to a Moored Bouy close to Ivans path cocoa Beach   Tue Sep 14 2004 10:40 AM
. * * Hurricane, storms, depressions & waves SkeetoBiteAdministrator   Tue Sep 14 2004 01:15 AM
. * * Re: Hurricane, storms, depressions & waves Steve hirschb.   Tue Sep 14 2004 07:37 AM
. * * Jean as fish? Ed in Va   Tue Sep 14 2004 08:38 AM
. * * Ready in Mobile HCW   Tue Sep 14 2004 08:38 AM
. * * Re: Hurricane Watches Up from Morgan City, LA to St. Marks Florida 103177   Tue Sep 14 2004 01:06 AM
. * * Re: Hurricane Watches Up from Morgan City, LA to St. Marks Florida Redbird   Tue Sep 14 2004 11:42 AM
. * * Re: Hurricane Watches Up from Morgan City, LA to St. Marks Florida anon   Tue Sep 14 2004 11:51 AM
. * * Re: Hurricane Watches Up from Morgan City, LA to St. Marks Florida ddrehman   Tue Sep 14 2004 11:56 AM
. * * Re: Hurricane Watches Up from Morgan City, LA to St. Marks Florida anon   Tue Sep 14 2004 12:28 PM
. * * NEW THREAD!!! LI Phil   Tue Sep 14 2004 12:01 PM
. * * Re: Hurricane Watches Up from Morgan City, LA to St. Marks Florida USFTampa   Tue Sep 14 2004 01:10 AM
. * * Re: Hurricane Watches Up from Morgan City, LA to St. Marks Florida Clark   Tue Sep 14 2004 12:33 AM
. * * Updated maps - NHC Advisory 47 SkeetoBiteAdministrator   Mon Sep 13 2004 11:51 PM
. * * Re: Hurricane Watches Up from Morgan City, LA to St. Marks Florida KornR   Mon Sep 13 2004 11:45 PM
. * * Re: Hurricane Watches Up from Morgan City, LA to St. Marks Florida BillD   Mon Sep 13 2004 11:08 PM
. * * Re: Hurricane Watches Up from Morgan City, LA to St. Marks Florida BillD   Mon Sep 13 2004 11:29 PM
. * * Re: Hurricane Watches Up from Morgan City, LA to St. Marks Florida meto   Mon Sep 13 2004 11:42 PM
. * * Re: Hurricane Watches Up from Morgan City, LA to St. Marks Florida BabyCat   Mon Sep 13 2004 11:11 PM
. * * Re: Hurricane Watches Up from Morgan City, LA to St. Marks Florida LI Phil   Mon Sep 13 2004 10:48 PM
. * * Re: Hurricane Watches Up from Morgan City, LA to St. Marks Florida LI Phil   Mon Sep 13 2004 10:53 PM
. * * Re: Hurricane Watches Up from Morgan City, LA to St. Marks Florida rule   Mon Sep 13 2004 10:52 PM
. * * Re: Hurricane Watches Up from Morgan City, LA to St. Marks Florida Frank P   Mon Sep 13 2004 10:55 PM
. * * Re: Hurricane Watches Up from Morgan City, LA to St. Marks Florida danielwAdministrator   Mon Sep 13 2004 11:16 PM
. * * Repost dani   Mon Sep 13 2004 10:53 PM
. * * Repost on new ETA MrSpock   Mon Sep 13 2004 10:55 PM
. * * Re: Repost on new ETA Steveunplugged   Mon Sep 13 2004 11:11 PM
. * * Re: Repost on new ETA MrSpock   Mon Sep 13 2004 11:18 PM
. * * Re: Repost on new ETA Steve   Mon Sep 13 2004 11:29 PM
. * * Re: Repost on new ETA Clark   Tue Sep 14 2004 12:45 AM
. * * Re: Repost on new ETA HCW   Tue Sep 14 2004 12:46 AM
. * * Re: Repost on new ETA Terra   Tue Sep 14 2004 06:42 AM
. * * Re: Repost on new ETA Steve   Tue Sep 14 2004 07:57 AM
. * * Re: Repost on new ETA jth   Tue Sep 14 2004 08:26 AM
. * * Re: Repost on new ETA DroopGB31   Tue Sep 14 2004 08:40 AM
. * * Good Luck! Justin in Miami   Tue Sep 14 2004 10:08 AM
. * * Hunkering Down tpratch   Tue Sep 14 2004 09:16 AM
. * * Re: Repost on new ETA Steve   Tue Sep 14 2004 08:32 AM
. * * Re: Repost on new ETA jth   Tue Sep 14 2004 08:41 AM
. * * Re: Repost on new ETA tenavilla   Tue Sep 14 2004 09:57 AM
. * * Re: Repost on new ETA DroopGB31   Tue Sep 14 2004 08:50 AM
. * * Re: Repost on new ETA Ronn   Tue Sep 14 2004 09:27 AM
. * * Re: Repost on new ETA saints63213   Tue Sep 14 2004 09:34 AM
. * * Hey Mike RedingtonBeachGuy   Tue Sep 14 2004 09:15 AM
. * * Re: Hey Mike MikeCAdministrator   Tue Sep 14 2004 09:27 AM
. * * Re: Hey Mike AdmittedHacker   Tue Sep 14 2004 10:04 AM
. * * Re: Hey Mike Nobody important   Tue Sep 14 2004 09:49 AM
. * * Re: Hey Mike JackLove   Tue Sep 14 2004 09:58 AM
. * * Re: Hey Mike mlamay   Tue Sep 14 2004 09:22 AM
. * * Re: Hey Mike Tarpon   Tue Sep 14 2004 10:00 AM
. * * Re: Hey Mike scottsvb   Tue Sep 14 2004 10:06 AM
. * * Re: Hey Mike tpratch   Tue Sep 14 2004 10:05 AM
. * * Re: Repost on new ETA jth   Tue Sep 14 2004 09:12 AM
. * * Re: Repost on new ETA Tallahassee   Tue Sep 14 2004 09:15 AM
. * * Re: Repost on new ETA JackLove   Tue Sep 14 2004 09:52 AM
. * * Re: Repost on new ETA Ed in Va   Tue Sep 14 2004 08:47 AM
. * * Recon dani   Tue Sep 14 2004 08:31 AM
. * * Re: Repost on new ETA Novice   Tue Sep 14 2004 08:21 AM
. * * Re: Repost on new ETA jth off   Mon Sep 13 2004 11:42 PM
. * * Re: Repost on new ETA MrSpock   Mon Sep 13 2004 11:37 PM
. * * I'm Confused! SoonerShawn   Mon Sep 13 2004 11:24 PM
. * * Re: Repost on new ETA LI Phil   Mon Sep 13 2004 11:23 PM
. * * Re: Repost on new ETA scottsvb   Mon Sep 13 2004 11:23 PM
. * * Re: Repost on new ETA Frank P   Mon Sep 13 2004 11:17 PM
. * * Re: Repost on new ETA clyde w.   Mon Sep 13 2004 11:17 PM
. * * Watch/warning width BeachBum   Mon Sep 13 2004 11:47 PM
. * * Re: Repost on new ETA BabyCat   Mon Sep 13 2004 11:22 PM
. * * Re: Storm Surge and Waves danielwAdministrator   Mon Sep 13 2004 11:35 PM
. * * Re: Storm Surge and Waves BabyCat   Mon Sep 13 2004 11:41 PM
. * * Re: Storm Surge and Waves kelcot   Mon Sep 13 2004 11:37 PM
. * * Re: Storm Surge and Waves danielwAdministrator   Mon Sep 13 2004 11:43 PM
. * * Re: Storm Surge and Waves Seele   Mon Sep 13 2004 11:40 PM
. * * Re: Storm Surge and Waves BillD   Mon Sep 13 2004 11:47 PM
. * * Re: Storm Surge and Waves Clark   Tue Sep 14 2004 12:41 AM
. * * Re: Storm Surge and Waves MrSpock   Tue Sep 14 2004 07:31 AM
. * * Re: Storm Surge and Waves danielwAdministrator   Tue Sep 14 2004 12:56 AM
. * * Re: Storm Surge and Waves Lisa NC   Tue Sep 14 2004 01:22 AM
. * * Re: Storm Surge and Waves meto   Mon Sep 13 2004 11:52 PM
. * * Re: Recon danielwAdministrator   Mon Sep 13 2004 11:58 PM
. * * Re: Storm Surge and Waves BabyCat   Mon Sep 13 2004 11:42 PM
. * * Re: Repost on new ETA k___g   Mon Sep 13 2004 11:16 PM
. * * Re: Repost on new ETA USFTampa   Mon Sep 13 2004 11:45 PM
. * * Re: Repost on new ETA jth off   Mon Sep 13 2004 11:50 PM
. * * Re: Repost on new ETA meto   Mon Sep 13 2004 11:54 PM
. * * Re: Repost on new ETA jth off   Tue Sep 14 2004 12:01 AM
. * * Re: Repost on new ETA scottsvb   Tue Sep 14 2004 12:07 AM
. * * Re: Repost on new ETA jth off   Tue Sep 14 2004 12:12 AM
. * * storm surge BabyCat   Tue Sep 14 2004 12:15 AM
. * * Re: Repost on new ETA meto   Tue Sep 14 2004 12:04 AM
. * * Re: Repost on new ETA Colleen A.   Tue Sep 14 2004 12:17 AM
. * * Re: Recon Eye Fix danielwAdministrator   Tue Sep 14 2004 12:12 AM
. * * OOZ GFS... wxman007   Mon Sep 13 2004 11:56 PM
. * * Re: OOZ GFS... chuck325   Tue Sep 14 2004 01:44 AM
. * * Re:Educated Guess Unlucky   Tue Sep 14 2004 02:01 AM
. * * Re:Educated Guess FunkyLamb   Tue Sep 14 2004 02:06 AM
. * * Gulf Wave Heights Londovir   Tue Sep 14 2004 01:57 AM
. * * Re: Gulf Wave Heights carolt_melbourne   Tue Sep 14 2004 09:52 AM
. * * Musings at 1:45AM Bloodstar   Tue Sep 14 2004 02:11 AM
. * * Re: Musings at 1:45AM GuppieGrouper   Tue Sep 14 2004 02:22 AM
. * * Re: Musings at 1:45AM OrlandoDan   Tue Sep 14 2004 06:21 AM
. * * Re: Musings at 1:45AM storm 1   Tue Sep 14 2004 06:32 AM
. * * Re: Center danielwAdministrator   Tue Sep 14 2004 06:37 AM
. * * Re: Musings at 1:45AM chinook   Tue Sep 14 2004 05:43 AM
. * * Re: Musings at 1:45AM MrSpock   Tue Sep 14 2004 07:43 AM
. * * Re:1000z Update danielwAdministrator   Tue Sep 14 2004 06:20 AM
. * * Re: OOZ GFS... jth off   Tue Sep 14 2004 12:03 AM
. * * Re: OOZ GFS...Upon Further Inspection... wxman007   Tue Sep 14 2004 12:08 AM
. * * 00z NOGAPS wxman007   Tue Sep 14 2004 12:14 AM
. * * Re: 00z NOGAPS mud1967   Tue Sep 14 2004 12:29 AM
. * * Re: 00z NOGAPS Clark   Tue Sep 14 2004 12:38 AM
. * * Re: 00z NOGAPS mud1967   Tue Sep 14 2004 12:54 AM
. * * would you? waatcher   Tue Sep 14 2004 01:01 AM
. * * Re: would you? ShanaTX   Tue Sep 14 2004 01:18 AM
. * * Re: would you? danielwAdministrator   Tue Sep 14 2004 01:05 AM
. * * Re: would you? waatcher   Tue Sep 14 2004 01:18 AM
. * * Re: would you? danielwAdministrator   Tue Sep 14 2004 01:30 AM
. * * Re: 00z NOGAPS USFTampa   Tue Sep 14 2004 12:21 AM
. * * Re: 00z NOGAPS scottsvb   Tue Sep 14 2004 12:19 AM
. * * Re: 00z NOGAPS tenavilla   Tue Sep 14 2004 12:29 AM
. * * Re: 00z NOGAPS Wxwatcher2   Tue Sep 14 2004 05:33 AM
. * * Re: 00z NOGAPS tenavilla   Tue Sep 14 2004 09:51 AM
. * * Re: 00z NOGAPS mlamay   Tue Sep 14 2004 09:54 AM
. * * Re: 00z NOGAPS Ronn   Tue Sep 14 2004 10:43 AM
. * * Re: 00z NOGAPS Wxwatcher2   Tue Sep 14 2004 10:52 AM
. * * Re: 00z NOGAPS meto   Tue Sep 14 2004 10:56 AM
. * * Re: 00z NOGAPS STORM CHASER   Tue Sep 14 2004 11:04 AM
. * * Re: 00z NOGAPS richisurfs   Tue Sep 14 2004 11:09 AM
. * * Re: 00z NOGAPS meto   Tue Sep 14 2004 11:12 AM
. * * Turns, Twists & Tempers Colleen A.   Tue Sep 14 2004 11:39 AM
. * * Re: Turns, Twists & Tempers Tarpon   Tue Sep 14 2004 12:19 PM
. * * Re: 00z NOGAPS richisurfs   Tue Sep 14 2004 11:16 AM
. * * Re: 00z NOGAPS doug   Tue Sep 14 2004 11:33 AM
. * * NEW THREAD LI Phil   Tue Sep 14 2004 11:34 AM
. * * Re: 00z NOGAPS rmbjoe1954   Tue Sep 14 2004 11:11 AM
. * * TS Jeanne Justin in Miami   Tue Sep 14 2004 10:49 AM
. * * Strengthening prior to landfall??? jth   Tue Sep 14 2004 10:56 AM
. * * Re: Strengthening prior to landfall??? tenavilla   Tue Sep 14 2004 11:02 AM
. * * Re: Strengthening prior to landfall??? doug   Tue Sep 14 2004 11:13 AM
. * * Re: Strengthening prior to landfall??? tpratch   Tue Sep 14 2004 11:10 AM
. * * Re: Strengthening prior to landfall??? richisurfs   Tue Sep 14 2004 11:12 AM
. * * 11am update tpratch   Tue Sep 14 2004 10:51 AM
. * * Re: 00z NOGAPS jth   Tue Sep 14 2004 10:47 AM
. * * Re: 00z NOGAPS tpratch   Tue Sep 14 2004 10:49 AM
. * * Re: 00z NOGAPS Spectrum24   Tue Sep 14 2004 10:07 AM
. * * Re: 00z NOGAPS richisurfs   Tue Sep 14 2004 10:52 AM
. * * Re: 00z NOGAPS Tarpon   Tue Sep 14 2004 10:37 AM
. * * Re: 00z NOGAPS anonymous   Tue Sep 14 2004 09:58 AM
. * * Re: 00z NOGAPS MrSpock   Tue Sep 14 2004 10:36 AM
. * * TV out of New Orleans Wxwatcher2   Tue Sep 14 2004 10:41 AM
. * * Re: 00z NOGAPS Elaine H   Tue Sep 14 2004 05:43 AM
. * * Re: 00z NOGAPS scottsvb   Tue Sep 14 2004 12:34 AM
. * * Re: 00z NOGAPS tenavilla   Tue Sep 14 2004 12:48 AM
. * * Re: 00z NOGAPS scottsvb   Tue Sep 14 2004 12:38 AM
. * * Clark, MrSpock   Tue Sep 14 2004 07:28 AM
. * * Re: 00z NOGAPS Clark   Tue Sep 14 2004 12:41 AM
. * * Re: 00z NOGAPS scottsvb   Tue Sep 14 2004 12:42 AM
. * * Re: 00z NOGAPS Clark   Tue Sep 14 2004 12:48 AM
. * * Re: 00z NOGAPS scottsvb   Tue Sep 14 2004 12:51 AM
. * * Re: 00z NOGAPS scottsvb   Tue Sep 14 2004 12:40 AM
. * * Re: 00z NOGAPS jth off   Tue Sep 14 2004 12:27 AM
. * * Re: 00z NOGAPS scottsvb   Tue Sep 14 2004 12:29 AM
. * * Re: 00z NOGAPS jth off   Tue Sep 14 2004 12:18 AM
. * * Re: 00z NOGAPS kelcot   Tue Sep 14 2004 12:16 AM
. * * Re: OOZ GFS... MrSpock   Tue Sep 14 2004 12:07 AM
. * * Re: OOZ GFS... danielwAdministrator   Tue Sep 14 2004 12:02 AM
. * * Miss Sound waves Frank P   Tue Sep 14 2004 12:17 AM
. * * Re: OOZ GFS... Kent   Tue Sep 14 2004 12:06 AM
. * * Re: OOZ GFS... SoonerShawn   Tue Sep 14 2004 12:05 AM
. * * Re: Repost on new ETA Steve   Mon Sep 13 2004 11:56 PM
. * * Re: Repost on new ETA LI Phil   Mon Sep 13 2004 11:14 PM
. * * Re: Repost on new ETA Wxwatcher2   Mon Sep 13 2004 11:24 PM
. * * Re: Repost on new ETA DroopGB31   Mon Sep 13 2004 11:34 PM
. * * Keys are windy Kdubs   Mon Sep 13 2004 11:44 PM
. * * Scotts Post... LI Phil   Mon Sep 13 2004 11:28 PM
. * * Re: Repost on new ETA Colleen A.   Mon Sep 13 2004 11:05 PM
. * * Re: Repost on new ETA LI Phil   Mon Sep 13 2004 11:08 PM
. * * Re: Repost on new ETA kirdona   Mon Sep 13 2004 11:12 PM

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