Would this really be me if I move down to Florida?

"A Yankee's Diary
April 30th

Florida is fantastic! Just got here and love it already. Now this is a state that knows how to live! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! Watched the sunset from a park lying on a blanket. It was beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.

May 14th

Really heating up. got to 89 today. Not a problem, live in an air conditioned home, drive an air conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a real sun worshiper.

June 5th

Had the backyard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing for me. No more shoveling snow either!. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

July 1st

The temperature hasn't been below 90 all week, not even at night. Where are those ocean breezes we heard about, still seems hot. Getting used to it will take a while, I guess. I sure miss my LP* collection, though. I'll have to remember not to leave anything made out of plastic in my car. Got one of those fuzzy steering wheel covers. Cheaper than the burn ointment for my hands. I always wondered what burnt flesh smelled like.

July 15th

Fell asleep by the pool. (got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body.) Missed two days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though, got to respect the old sun in a climate like this.

July 20th

I miss our cat, Tabby. He snuck into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got out to the hot car for lunch, he'd swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and just as I opened the door he exploded all over 2,000 dollars worth of leather upholstery. I told the kids he ran away. The car now smells like kibbles and poop. No more pets in this heat!

July 25th

Ocean breezes my ass!!! Hot is hot!!! The home air conditioned is on the fritz and the AC repairman charged me 200 dollars just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts. Only hope for a break in the heat would be a hurricane.

July 30th

Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now. Swatting the swamp mosquitoes that are as big as B-52's. 1500 dollars in darn house payments and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here?

August 4th

100 degrees. Finally got the air conditioner fixed today. It cost 500 dollars and gets the temperature down to about 90. The electric bill is almost as much as the house payment and two old lady drivers almost ran me off the road. I hate this state.

August 8th

If another jerk cracks, "Hot enough for you today?" I'm going to tear his head off. Damn heat. by the time I get to work the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like roasted Garfield!!

August 10th

The weather report might as well be a damn recording. Hot and sunny. It's been too hot for the two @%*& months and the weather man says it might really heat up next week. And who came up the statement "it may be hot, but at least you don't have to shovel it" should die from heat exhaustion. Doesn't it ever rain I hate this God forsaken place?

Welcome to Hell!! Temperature got to 102 today. Forgot to crack the window and blew the windshield out of the Lincoln. The installer came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?" My wife had to spend the 1,500 dollar house payment to bail me out of jail.

August 30th

Worst day of the summer. I'm not leaving the house. The monsoon rains finally came and all they did is to make it muggier than hell and drove the damned roaches out of the ground. I wasn't aware they could fly! The Lincoln is now floating somewhere in the Caribbean. That does it, we're moving back to New York where all you have to worry about is getting mugged. I hope this state breaks in half and floats down to Cuba!!! "

*LP is short for "Long Playing" and refers to "records"; (this is for the younguns only), these were black vinyl discs about the size of a frizbee and which, when placed on a "turntable", played music. And before they were even made of vinyl, they were actually made out of some form of polymer akin to plastic...rent "It's a Wonderful Life" some time...when Mary (Bailey) smashes the round black thing which played "Buffalo gals won't you come out tonight", that's a "record".