Gotta Love Orlando

Amusement parks, stadiums, arenas, racetracks, airports, etc., are conveniently located as far away from EVERYTHING as possible so as to allow for ample parking on grassy areas.

Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Orlando has its own version of traffic rules: Hold on and pray. There is no such thing as a dangerous high-speed chase here. We all drive like that.

All directions start with, "Go down to I-4"...which has no beginning and no end.

The Chamber of Commerce calls getting through traffic a "scenic drive."

The morning rush hour is from 6:00 to 10:00. The evening rush hour is from 3:00 to 7:00. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning.

If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out and possibly shot. When you are the first one on the starting line, count to five when the light turns green before entering to avoid getting into any cross-traffic's way.

If it's 100 degrees, Thanksgiving must be next weekend.

Construction on I-4 is a way of life and form of entertainment.

All unexplained sights are explained by the phrase, "Oh, we're in Orlando!!"

If someone actually has their turn signal on, it is probably a factory defect. All old ladies with blue hair in OLD pink Cadillacs have the right of way.

SR434 mysteriously changes names as you cross intersections.

A trip across town (east to west) will take a minimum of three hours, although many freeways have unposted minimum speeds of 75. The minimum acceptable speed on the 417 Greenway is 85.

Never stare at the driver of the car with the bumper sticker that says, "Keep honking. I'm reloading." In fact, don't honk at anyone.

The wrought iron on windows in and around Westmoreland Avenue aren't ornamental.

If you are in the left lane, and only going 70 in a 60 mph zone, people are not waving when they go by.

The I-4/Orlando-Orange City route is our daily version of NASCAR.

Don't confuse a paramour with Paramore Avenue.

When traveling I-4, East = North and West = South. Unless, of course, you're near Disney in which case West = West and East = East. Got it?

Don't ask when the Magic play. A true local can't afford that crap!

There is an unwritten law that all major roads in Orlando must have at least 2 names: 417 = the Greenway; OBT = 441 or 17-92; Mills Ave = 17-92; 535 = Apopka Vineland Road; 192 = Irlo Bronson OR Main Street OR Space Coast Highway.

Orlando - a land of a thousand tourist traps on I-Drive, 192, and 27. In other words, the good, the bad, and the ugly.

A city so full of smoke from countless fires, that even LA looks like a better place to spend your vacation.

A town where it's tradition to slam your brakes and slow down as much as possible when merging with traffic on I-4.

If you miss an exit, just pull over and back up.