What's the difference between a woman having her period and a terrorist?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.

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What do they call a woman who works as hard as a man? Answer: "Lazy."

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Two guys and a girl were sitting at a bar talking about their lives.
The one guy said, "I'm a YUPPIE. You know, Young Urban Professional."
The second guy responded, "I'm a DINK. You know, Double Income No Kids."
They then asked the woman, "What are you?"
She replied: "I'm a WIFE. You know, Wash, Iron, F--k, Etc."

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What do you call a room full of women, half with PMS, half with yeast infections?
A whine and cheese party

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The Top 10 reasons why a handgun is better than a woman

#10 - You can trade an old .44 for two new .22s.

#9 - You can keep one handgun at home and have another for
when you're on the road.

#8 - If you admire a friend's handgun, and tell him so, he
will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7 - Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you have a
backup.

#6 - Your handgun will stay with you even if you're out of
ammo.

#5 - A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4 - Handguns function normally every day of the month.

#3 - A handgun doesn't ask "Do these new grips make me look
fat?"

#2 - A handgun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you
use it.

AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY THAT A HANDGUN IS BETTER THAN A
WOMAN . . . You can buy a silencer for a handgun.

contributed by chris m

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Why is it called PMS? -- Because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken

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Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been."

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A woman went to a doctor and said , doctor, I have a problem. every time I sneeze I have an orgasm. the doctor said, oh really, what have you been doing for it. the woman replied, snorting pepper.

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To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

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I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she's been giving me lately!

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I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life

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I have a frog in the back
A woman is shopping for a pet as a gift for her husband, but she is concerned that the prices that the Pet Shop are charging are very high. She goes to the clerk and explains her concern. "Well, I have a frog in the back that I can let you have for $50," the clerk says. "$50?" the woman replies. "That seems terribly expensive for a frog."

"Well, this frog is worth it. It's been trained to give blow jobs."

The woman is stunned, but because her husband loves this sort of sex, and because she is not particularly fond of it, she decides the frog might be a good investment. She buys the frog, brings it home, presents it to her husband, and explains its special value. The husband is skeptical, but promises he'll give the frog a try that night. The woman goes to sleep happily knowing she won't be
bothered by her husband that night.

She is suddenly awakened by a clatter coming from the kitchen. She goes downstairs and finds the frog and her husband pulling out pots and pans and poring over cookbooks.

"What are you two doing down here?" she asks. Her husband responds, "If I can teach this frog to cook, you're out of here!"

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I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?

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Girl comes in for a Checkup
A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, the doctor notices a red 'H' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue 'Y' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green 'M' on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor.

"No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin, Why do you ask?"

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Marriage changes passion................suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

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Tongue Twister
A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He immediately notices that the guy next to him also has a black eye.

He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence: we both have black eyes. Mind if I ask how you got yours?"

So the guy tells him: "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident, sort of. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the biggest breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying: I'd like a ticket to Pittsburgh, I said: I'd like a picket to Tittsburgh." "She socked me one."

The first guy responded, "Mine was a tongue twister too."
"I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife: Please pour me a bowl of Corn Flakes, but I accidentally said: You ruined my life, you lousy bitch.''

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Let's Swap Positions
"Darling" says a husband coyly to his wife: "let's swap positions tonight". "What a good idea" she replies, "you stand in front of the ironing board, and I'll sit in front of the TV and fart".

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Understanding a Woman

We need REALLY MEANS I want

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You want REALLY MEANS You need

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It's your decision REALLY MEANS The correct decision should be obvious by now.

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We need to talk REALLY MEANS I need to complain

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Do what you want REALLY MEANS You'll pay for this later.

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You're ... so manly REALLY MEANS You need a shave and you sweat a lot.

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Sure... go ahead REALLY MEANS I don't want you to.

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I'm not upset REALLY MEANS Of course I'm upset, you moron!

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You're certainly attentive tonight. REALLY MEANS Is sex all you ever think about?

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I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! REALLY MEANS I'm on my period.

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Be romantic, turn out the lights. REALLY MEANS I'm Embarrassed

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This kitchen is so inconvenient REALLY MEANS I want a new house.

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You have to learn to communicate. REALLY MEANS Just agree with me.

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Yes REALLY MEANS No

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No REALLY MEANS No

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Maybe REALLY MEANS No

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I heard a noise REALLY MEANS I noticed you were almost asleep.

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Do you love me? REALLY MEANS I'm going to ask for something expensive.

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How much do you love me? REALLY MEANS I did something you're not going to like.

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I'll be ready in a minute. REALLY MEANS Be patient I'll be a while.

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Am I a little fat? REALLY MEANS Tell me I'm beautiful.

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I'm sorry. REALLY MEANS You'll be sorry.

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Do you like this recipe? REALLY MEANS It's easy to fix, so get used to it.

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Was that the baby? REALLY MEANS Why don't you wake up and deal with the baby.

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I'm not yelling! REALLY MEANS Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.

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All we're going to buy is a soap dish REALLY MEANS Major shopping trip. Did you bring your checkbook?

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Ah Sorority Girls

How many sorority girls does it take to change a light bulb?
She holds on to it, and the world revolves around her.

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Two, one to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call Daddy.
Six, one to screw it in, and five to make T-shirts.

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What three words will a sorority girl never hear?
"Attention K-mart shoppers."

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What is a sorority girls favorite position?
Facing Bloomingdale's.

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How do you get four sorority girls on one chair?
Tell them there is a rich guy sitting in it.

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Why does a sorority girl close her eyes during sex?
So she can fantasize about shopping.

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What's the difference between sorority girls and Jell-o?
Jell-o wiggles when you eat it.

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What do you call a sorority girl's waterbed?
Lake Placid.

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How do you know when a sorority girl is a nymphomaniac?
She'll make love the same day she had her hair done.

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What is the difference between sorority girls and hookers?
Sorority girls cost less per score.

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What's the difference between a sorority girl and a phone booth?
You need a quarter to use the phone.

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What do you say to a sorority girl that won't give in?
"Have another beer."

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What does a sorority girl put behind her ears to make her look more attractive?
Her ankles.

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Why does a sorority girl wear underwear?
To keep her ankles warm.

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What is the first thing a sorority girl does in the morning?
Walks home.

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What is a sorority girls mating call?
"I'm sooooooo drunk, I'm sooooooo drunk."

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How can you tell if a sorority girl has achieved orgasm?
She drops her nail file

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What's the difference between a sorority girl and a bowling ball?
There is no difference. They're both round and have three holes to poke.

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What does the Bermuda Triangle and sorority girls have in common?
They've both swallowed a lot of semen.

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Why is a sorority girl like a door knob?
'Cause everybody gets a turn.

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What's the difference between sorority girls and garbage?
Garbage gets taken out once a week.

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How do you prevent a sorority girl from having sex?
Marry her.

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Did you hear about the new sorority girl doll?
You put a ring on her finger and her hips expand.

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What do you get when you cross a sorority girl with an lawyer?
Don't know. There's only so much an lawyer can be forced to do.

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How do you get a sorority girl in your bed?
Grease her hips so she'll fit through the door and throw a Twinkie on the bed.

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What do you call 100 sorority girls bathing on a beach in Cuba?
Bay of Pigs.

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How are a bowling ball and a sorority girl alike?
You can pick them up, stick your fingers in them, and throw them in the gutter and they'll always come back.

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What's the difference between a sorority girl and a toilet?
A toilet doesn't follow you around after you use it

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What's the difference between a sorority and a circus?
A circus is a cunning array of stunts.

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Bananas
Two old maids were grocery shopping. The sign said `Bananas - 3 for 50 cents. So they put two in the shopping cart. One said to the other, "How much will that be apiece?" The other one said, " That would be fifty cents divided by three, multiplied by two, then divided by two - whatever that comes to." So the first old maid said, " Heck, just get three. That'll be a quarter apiece and we can eat the other one.

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A Day at the Zoo
It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), grunting and pounding his chest with the free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along. She does and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall, she does, and Mr. Gorilla is just about to tear the bars down. Now try lifting your dress up your thighs...this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy. Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and says, "Now, tell HIM you have a headache."

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Riding Bikes
Two women were riding their rickety old bikes down the back streets of Rome one late afternoon. As it turns dusk, the increasing darkness starts making one of the women a little nervous. She leans over to the other and says, "You know, I've never come this way before." The other says, "It's the cobblestones."

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Why Beer Is Better Than Women

You can enjoy a beer all month long.

Beer stains wash out.

You don't have to wine and dine a beer.

Your beer will always wait patiently in the car while you play ball.

If your beer is flat, you can toss it out.

Beer is never late.

A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.

A hangover will go away.

Beer labels come off without a fight.

When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer.

A beer never has a headache.

A beer will never nag you.

A beer won't get upset if you come home and have another beer.

If you pour a beer right, you'll always get good head.

A beer always goes down easy.

You can share a beer with friends.

You always know if you're the first one to pop a beer.

A beer is always wet.

A beer doesn't demand equality.

You can have a beer in public.

A beer doesn't care what time you come home.

A frigid beer is a good beer.

You don't have to wash a beer for it to taste good.

If you decide to change beers, you don't have to pay alimony.