Welcome to Hurricane Season 2006. Here are some guidelines to get you through each and every wave/TD/TS/Hurricane that may come your way.

May 29th: Newspapers and cable news outlets all over the country will feel the need to "Alert" you to the fact that the Atlantic Hurricane season is exactly 47 hours and so many minutes away. This will happen approximately every 5-10 minutes. CNN will declare itself "Hurricane Central", MSNBC will declare itself "Hurricane Headquarters" and FNC will declare themselves as being "fair and balanced" when it comes to time to scare the living beegeezus out of everyone.
* Note: you will become painfully used to the "DING: THIS IS A FOX NEWS CHANNEL WEATHER ALERT". Please watch with caution.

Hurricane Safety Tips: You will see these in almost every store you visit. You will be asked to make sure that you have your "Hurricane Kit" together and packed away neatly so that when the time comes, you will be prepared. There's even a checklist; kinda like "The Hurricane Guide for Dummies" that you should fill out as you check off the stuff you don't have yet.

July: This is the month when pretty much everyone is on vacation up north (assuming you live in the Southeast) and no one pays attention to TWC -- no matter how much you love Jim Cantore. Please remember to put that checklist in a drawer/garbage can so that when you really need it, you won't have it.
Keep your ears tunes for the "DING: THIS IS A FOX NEWS WEATHER ALERT" because it's very important to them that you know that absolutely nothing is going on. Do not buy any batteries, water, canned food or candles at this time. Make sure your can opener is extremely rusty and that the propane tanks for your gas grill are completely empty. If you did buy tuna fish, now would be a good time to deplete your supply.

August: You will have become very familiar with the term "tropical wave" by now. Hint: a tropical wave is not something that people do when you have a whole bunch of people over to watch TWC. This is not a football game, it's an open wave. Please try to restrain yourself from waving your hands in the air and possbily slapping the person either directly in front and/or behind you. If you have bottled water and Raviolis on hand (preferably Chef Boyardee), this would be a great time to use it up with the rusty can opener. If possible, dull the blades on the can opener so that it is almost impossible to use. If needed, you can always use a screwdriver to open up any cans. Also..make sure that you do NOT have an emergency plan in case you have to leave suddenly. That would take out all the fun of trying to find a gas station as you inch your way out of harm's way. Make sure that he fuel gauge on your vehicle is set at "EMPTY". It's critical that you have no gasoline in your car so that you can pay an extra $50 .

More to come later......