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Off-Topic >> Comedy Shop

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Jamiewx
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Loc: Orlando, Florida
Cows & Politics Explained
      #45098 - Sat Jul 23 2005 10:38 PM

A CHRISTIAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.

A SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.

AN AMERICAN REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?

AN AMERICAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.

A COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk.

A FASCIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. They are mad. They die. Pass the shepherd's pie, please.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.

A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship both of them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported on them.

AN ISRAELI CORPORATION: There are these two Jewish cows, right? They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights. They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors. So, who needs people?

AN ARKANSAS CORPORATION: You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute.

--------------------
"Climate is what you expect, weather is what you get"
- Robert A. Heinlein


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B.C.Francis
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Trouble marriage Part 1 [Re: Jamiewx]
      #46179 - Sun Jul 31 2005 09:29 AM

A husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary ! The husband yells, " When you die, I`m getting you a headstone that reads:"Here Lies My Wife- Cold As Ever "......."Yeah ?" she replies. " When you die, I`m getting you a headstone that reads: " Here Lies My Husband- Stiff At Last......Weatherchef

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FlaMommy
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Re: Trouble marriage Part 2 [Re: B.C.Francis]
      #46187 - Sun Jul 31 2005 12:52 PM

THE PERFECT HUSBAND

There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rings. One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:

"Hello?"
"Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
"Yes."
"Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful mink coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"
"What's the price?"
"Only $1,500.00."
"Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much ... "

"Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year ... "
"What price did he quote you?"
"Only $60,000 ... "
"OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

"Great! But before we hang up, something else ... "
"What?"
"It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property ... "
"How much are they asking?"
"Only $450,000 - a magnificent price ... and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover ... "

"Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?"
"OK, sweetie ... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"
"Bye ... I do too ... "

The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap, and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present: "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?


--------------------
"Haven't thought of a witty one lately"

Edited by FlaMommy (Sun Jul 31 2005 01:07 PM)


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B.C.Francis
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Re: Troubled marriage Part 2 [Re: FlaMommy]
      #46188 - Sun Jul 31 2005 01:08 PM

A man has six children and is proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, " Mother of Six " in spite of her objections.... One night, they go to a party. The man decides that its time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, " Shall we go home 'Mother of Six' ?".....His wife , irritated by her husband`s lack of discretion, shouts right back, " I`m ready when your ready, "Father of Four ".......Weatherchef

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FlaMommy
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Re: Troubled marriage Part 2 [Re: B.C.Francis]
      #46189 - Sun Jul 31 2005 01:10 PM

MY DEAREST WIFE

To My Dearest Wife,

During the past year, I have attempted to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of only once every 10 days. The following is a list of why I didn't succeed more often:

We will wake the kids - 54 times

It's too late - 15 times

I'm too tired - 42 times

It's too early - 12 times

It's too hot - 18 times

Pretending to be asleep - 31 times

The neighbors will hear - 9 times

Headache or backache - 26 times

Sunburn - 10 times

Your mother will hear us - 9 times

Not in the mood - 21 times

Watching the late show - 17 times

Too sore - 26 times

New hairdo - 6 times

Wrong time of the month - 14 times

You had to go to the bathroom - 19 times

Of the 36 times that I DID succeed, the result was not always satisfying because 6 times you just laid there, 8 times you reminded me that there was a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you up to tell you I was finished, and once I was afraid that I had hurt you because you started thrashing around and breathing heavy. Let's try to improve this, shall we??

Love, Your Hubby

**********************

To My Dearest Husband,

I think things are a little confused. Here are the REAL reasons you didn't get more than you did this past year:

Came home drunk and tried to screw the cat - 23 times

Did not come home at all - 36 times

Did not come - 21 times

Came too soon - 38 times

Went soft before you got it in - 19 times

Cramps in your leg - 16 times

Working too late - 33 times

You had a rash, probably from a toilet seat - 29 times

Caught yourself in your zipper - 15 times

You had a cold and your nose kept running - 21 times

You had burned your tongue on hot coffee - 9 times

You had a splinter in your finger - 11 times

You lost the notion after thinking about it - 42 times

Came in your pajamas after reading a dirty book - 16 times

The reason I laid still was because you had missed me and were screwing the sheet. You seemed to be having a good time and I didn't want to move and spoil it for you. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling. What I said was, "Would you like me on my back or kneeling?" The time I was thrashing around and gasping was when you farted and I was fighting for air. Maybe you can work on your "shortcomings?"

Love, Your Wife

--------------------
"Haven't thought of a witty one lately"


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FlaMommy
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Re: Troubled marriage Part 2 [Re: FlaMommy]
      #46190 - Sun Jul 31 2005 01:13 PM

CAUGHT CHEATING

A woman came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman.

With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged her husband down the stairs to the garage and put his manhood in a vice. She then secured it tightly and removed the handle.

Next she picked up a hacksaw.

The husband terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off are you?"

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, said, "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire."


***I would so do that;)***

--------------------
"Haven't thought of a witty one lately"


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B.C.Francis
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Re: Troubled marriage Part 2 [Re: FlaMommy]
      #46191 - Sun Jul 31 2005 01:16 PM

Thats a great one FlaMommy, unbelivable. I love it. Good laughing material and I needed it.....Weatherchef

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Heather
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Reged: Tue
Posts: 91
Loc: Sebring, FL
Re: Troubled marriage Part 2 [Re: B.C.Francis]
      #46196 - Sun Jul 31 2005 02:11 PM

Five tips for a woman....

1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.

2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.

3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.

4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.

5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.

--------------------
When it rains, it pours...


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Jamiewx
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Posts: 371
Loc: Orlando, Florida
Husband Shopping Center [Re: Heather]
      #46212 - Sun Jul 31 2005 10:31 PM

Well since you all got to this subject, i got one to add

There was a "Husband Shopping Center" where a woman could go to choose a husband from among many men.

It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended up the floors. The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you must choose a man from that floor, and if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place.

So, a couple of girlfriends go to the place to find men.

First floor: The door had a sign saying "These men have jobs and love kids".

The women read the sign and say, "Well that's better than not having jobs, or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they go.

Second floor says "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking". Hummm, say the girls but, I wonder what's further up?

Third floor: "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework". "WOW!" say the women. Very tempting, BUT, there's more further up! And up they go.

Fourth Floor: "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak". "Oh mercy me, But just think! What must be awaiting us further up!" So, up to the fifth floor they go.

Fifth floor: The sign on the door said "This floor is just to prove that women are impossible to please. The exit is to your left, have a nice day".

--------------------
"Climate is what you expect, weather is what you get"
- Robert A. Heinlein


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B.C.Francis
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Re: Husband Shopping Center [Re: Jamiewx]
      #46220 - Mon Aug 01 2005 07:30 AM

Good one Jamiewx. That ought to stir up the funny feathers of FlaMommy and Heather. Those two where on a roll yesterday. I hope for some more laughs today to chase the "Monday Blues" away. I`ll see what I can dig up......Keep smilin.....Weatherchef

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FlaMommy
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The Perfect Gift [Re: B.C.Francis]
      #46228 - Mon Aug 01 2005 12:38 PM

A fellow was very much in love with a beautiful girl. One day she told him that the next day was her birthday. He told her he would send her a bouquet of roses... one for each year of her life.

That evening he called the local florist and ordered twenty-one roses with instructions that they be delivered first thing the next morning.

As the florist was preparing the order, he decided that since the young man was such a good customer, he would put an extra dozen roses in the bouquet.

The fellow never did find out what made the young girl so angry with him.

--------------------
"Haven't thought of a witty one lately"

Edited by FlaMommy (Mon Aug 01 2005 12:41 PM)


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FlaMommy
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Re: The Perfect Gift [Re: FlaMommy]
      #46229 - Mon Aug 01 2005 12:42 PM

Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests . . . I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge alive!"

As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash!! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could and screaming out of fear. The crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking as though he was running for his life. Finally, he made it to the other side with only a torn shirt and some minor injuries. The millionaire was impressed.

He said, "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?"

The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your money, nor do I want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that water!"

--------------------
"Haven't thought of a witty one lately"


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B.C.Francis
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Old age [Re: FlaMommy]
      #46238 - Mon Aug 01 2005 01:40 PM

This 65 year old women is jumping up and down , laughing and singing. Her husband walks into the room and sees her. He watches her awhile then says, " You look ridiculous, what the hell are you doing.? " She says, " I just got a check up and my doctor says I have the breasts of an eighteen- year old." He says, " Yeah, right. And what did he say about your 65 year- old ass ?" She says, " Well, your name never really came up. "

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FlaMommy
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Re: Old age [Re: B.C.Francis]
      #46249 - Mon Aug 01 2005 02:59 PM

A man getting along in years finds that he is unable to perform sexually.

He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things; but nothing seems to
work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man.

The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that said, he throws a white
powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. Then he
says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year. All you
have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"

The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to
continue?"

The medicine man replies: "All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it
will go down. But be warned: It will not work again for another year." The old
gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers and prowess.

That night he is ready to surprise his wife. He showers, shaves, and puts on
his most exotic shaving lotion and cologne. After he gets into bed and is
Lying next to her, he says, "123;" and suddenly he has the most gigantic
stiffie ever, just as the medicine man had promised.

His wife, who had been facing away from him, turns over and asks,

"What did you say '123' for?


--------------------
"Haven't thought of a witty one lately"


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FlaMommy
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GOOD ONE!!! [Re: FlaMommy]
      #46250 - Mon Aug 01 2005 03:00 PM

Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table.

Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him. "Herman, you know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!"

She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, "Herman, remember that new car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"

Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said, "Herman, that emerald necklace you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!"

Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "Herman, remember that blow job I promised you? ....Here it comes!"

--------------------
"Haven't thought of a witty one lately"


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B.C.Francis
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Re: GOOD ONE!!! [Re: FlaMommy]
      #46252 - Mon Aug 01 2005 03:41 PM

A woman tells her husband that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. Her husband tells her, " Hey, you don`t need surgery to do that. I know how to do it with out surgery." The guys wife asks," How do I do it with out surgery?" The husband says, " Just rub toilet paper between them. " Startled the wife asks, " How does that make them bigger?" " Who knows" says the husband, " It sure worked on your ass."..........Weatherchef.........P.S. I sure hope we get some trackin weather soon , I think I`m starting to loose it

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FlaMommy
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Re: GOOD ONE!!! [Re: B.C.Francis]
      #46258 - Mon Aug 01 2005 04:30 PM

One Sunday morning, a fisherman gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his lunch made, puts on his long-johns, grabs the dog, goes to the garage, hooks up his boat to the truck and down the driveway he goes for his regular Sunday fishing trip. Coming out of his garage, the rain is pouring down; it's like a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph, really bad conditions for fishing.

Minutes later, he returns to the house, goes inside and turns the TV to the Weather Channel and finds it's going to be bad weather all day long. So, he puts his boat back in the garage, goes back to the bedroom, quietly undresses, slips back into bed and cuddles up to his wife's back.

Now with a different anticipation, he whispers, "The weather out there's terrible." To which she sleepily replies, "Yeah; can you believe my stupid husband went out fishing?"

--------------------
"Haven't thought of a witty one lately"


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Heather
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Re: GOOD ONE!!! [Re: FlaMommy]
      #46264 - Mon Aug 01 2005 06:46 PM

Barbara Walters of 20/20 did a story on gender roles in Kabul,
Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that
the women customarily walked 5 paces behind their husbands. She
recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind
their husbands. From Ms. Walters vantage point, despite the overthrow
of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to walk even
further back behind their husbands and are happy to maintain the old
custom. Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked
"Why do you now seem happy with the old custom that you once tried so
desperately to change?" The women looked Ms. Walters straight in the
eyes and without hesitation, said "Land mines."

Moral of the story: Behind every man is a smart woman.

--------------------
When it rains, it pours...


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B.C.Francis
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Re: GOOD ONE!!! [Re: Heather]
      #46267 - Mon Aug 01 2005 07:26 PM

Jamiewx...Jamiewx... Do you copy...........I repeat.....Do you copy......Being hit hard on the comedy front.............Need help............Weatherchef

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FlaMommy
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Re: GOOD ONE!!! [Re: B.C.Francis]
      #46300 - Tue Aug 02 2005 11:38 AM

Subject: Potentially vs. realistically

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the
difference between potentially and realistically?"

The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if
she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars." "Then ask your
sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then
ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.
Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt
for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would! We
could
really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great
college!"

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad
Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?!?!?"

The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you
know how much a million bucks would buy?"

The boy pondered the answers for a few days, then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between
potentially and realistically?"

The boy replied, "Yes... potentially, you and I are sitting on three
million dollars, but realistically,we're living with two sluts and a
queer!"



--------------------
"Haven't thought of a witty one lately"


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