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Off-Topic >> Comedy Shop

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FlaMommy
Storm Tracker


Reged: Fri
Posts: 225
Loc: Tampa(Riverview), Florida
Re: GOOD ONE!!! [Re: FlaMommy]
      #46301 - Tue Aug 02 2005 11:39 AM

Going & Going!

(AP) The Energizer Bunny, known best for "going and going and going..." passed away last evening at 12:42am.

Upon completion of the autopsy early this morning, the chief medical examiner ruled that the death was caused by acute cardiac arrest, induced by sexual over-stimulation.

Apparently, someone put the battery in backwards and the bunny kept coming and coming and coming...

Foul play has not been ruled out.

--------------------
"Haven't thought of a witty one lately"


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FlaMommy
Storm Tracker


Reged: Fri
Posts: 225
Loc: Tampa(Riverview), Florida
Re: GOOD ONE!!! [Re: FlaMommy]
      #46302 - Tue Aug 02 2005 11:40 AM

FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

FIVE MINUTES
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.


NOTHING
This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine"

GO AHEAD
This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"

THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome.

--------------------
"Haven't thought of a witty one lately"


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FlaMommy
Storm Tracker


Reged: Fri
Posts: 225
Loc: Tampa(Riverview), Florida
Re: GOOD ONE!!! [Re: FlaMommy]
      #46303 - Tue Aug 02 2005 11:41 AM

You may not know that many nonliving things have a gender.

For example:



1) Ziploc Bags -- They are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.



2) Copiers -- They are Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.



3) Tire -- Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.



4) Hot Air Balloon -- Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.



5) Sponges -- Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.



6) Web Page -- Female, because it's always getting hit on.



7) Subway -- Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.



8) Hourglass -- Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.



9) Hammer -- Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.



10) Remote Control -- Female...... Ha! You thought it'd be male. But consider this -- it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying

--------------------
"Haven't thought of a witty one lately"


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FlaMommy
Storm Tracker


Reged: Fri
Posts: 225
Loc: Tampa(Riverview), Florida
Re: GOOD ONE!!! [Re: FlaMommy]
      #46360 - Tue Aug 02 2005 08:29 PM

OK WHAT IS WITH THE DEPRESSING STUFF IN THE COMEDY FORUM??? WELL IM GONNA GET THIS PARTY GOING AGAIN....

How are tornadoes and marriage alike?
They both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.

--------------------
"Haven't thought of a witty one lately"


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Storm Cooper
User


Reged: Sat
Posts: 1290
Loc: Panama City , FL
Re: GOOD ONE!!! [Re: FlaMommy]
      #46361 - Tue Aug 02 2005 08:36 PM

I really hate to brings things down but some of us have been looking at this forum and I alone think we need to tone it down just a bit... and this goes several posts back... we have some young people here so lets be thinking of that from here on in.

--------------------
Hurricane Season 2017 13/7/1


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Somebody
Unregistered




Re: GOOD ONE!!! [Re: FlaMommy]
      #46362 - Tue Aug 02 2005 08:51 PM

Please this is serious, I still dont understand how banal jokes dont get deleted and a simple warning does, well it's up to you mods, to help to spread the word or the lies...

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FlaMommy
Storm Tracker


Reged: Fri
Posts: 225
Loc: Tampa(Riverview), Florida
Re: GOOD ONE!!! [Re: Somebody]
      #46363 - Tue Aug 02 2005 09:11 PM

ok im sorry i will stop posting jokes....sorry so many people are offended....

--------------------
"Haven't thought of a witty one lately"


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B.C.Francis
Storm Tracker


Reged: Sat
Posts: 315
Loc: Indiatlantic Florida
Re: GOOD ONE!!! [Re: Somebody]
      #46375 - Wed Aug 03 2005 08:59 AM

I too am sorry if any of the jokes that I posted has offended any of the members the last couple of days. We where just trying to lighten things up a bit while things where slow on storm tracking front....We will tone it down...........By the way, member SOMEBODY, what makes you laugh ?...Just curious.....Weatherchef

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TAZMAN
Weather Watcher


Reged: Fri
Posts: 48
Loc: Clermont, Fl
Re: GOOD ONE!!! [Re: B.C.Francis]
      #46376 - Wed Aug 03 2005 10:06 AM

I personally did not see the harm and thought they were quite funny !! Thanks for the laughs ! isnít that what this forum (comedy shop) is for? I think somebody needs tlighten up.........

I actually think we were being to lenient.~danielw

Edited by danielw (Thu Aug 04 2005 12:32 AM)


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B.C.Francis
Storm Tracker


Reged: Sat
Posts: 315
Loc: Indiatlantic Florida
Re: GOOD ONE!!! [Re: TAZMAN]
      #46386 - Wed Aug 03 2005 01:25 PM

Thank FlaMommy, she ruled the comedy forum for the last few days....... Weatherchef

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FlaMommy
Storm Tracker


Reged: Fri
Posts: 225
Loc: Tampa(Riverview), Florida
Re: GOOD ONE!!! [Re: B.C.Francis]
      #46392 - Wed Aug 03 2005 03:33 PM

Thank you guys... i appreciate the compliments...im glad u enjoyed them ill try to find some more "tasteful" jokes to post here...to keep everyones mind off the storms....

--------------------
"Haven't thought of a witty one lately"


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FlaMommy
Storm Tracker


Reged: Fri
Posts: 225
Loc: Tampa(Riverview), Florida
Re: GOOD ONE!!! [Re: FlaMommy]
      #46397 - Wed Aug 03 2005 03:49 PM

SWEARING AT WORK


It has been brought to management's
attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using
foul language during the course of normal conversation with their
co-workers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may
be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be
tolerated. We do however; realize the critical importance of being able to
accurately express your feelings when communicating with co- workers. Therefore a list of 18 New and innovative phrases have been provided so that
proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective
manner.
1) TRY
SAYING:
I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD
OF:
You don't know what the f___ you're doing.

2) TRY
> SAYING:
She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD
OF:
She's a ball-busting c__t.


3) TRY
SAYING:
Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF:
And when the f___ do you expect me to do that?


4) TRY SAYING:
I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD
> OF:
No f___ing chance.

5) TRY SAYING:
Really?
INSTEAD OF:
You've got to be sh__ing me!


6) TRY SAYING:
Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF:
Tell someone who gives a f__.


7) TRY SAYING:
I wasn't involved in
> the project.
INSTEAD OF:
It's not my f____ing problem.


8) TRY SAYING:
That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF:
What the f___?


9) TRY SAYING:
I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF:
This sh__ won't work.


10) TRY SAYING:
I'll try to schedule that in.
INSTEAD OF:
Why the f___ing h _ll didn't you tell me sooner?


11) TRY SAYING:
He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF:
He's got his head up his a__.


12) TRY SAYING:
Excuse me sir?
INSTEAD OF:
Eat sh__ and die.

13) TRY SAYING:
So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF:

Kiss my a__.

14) TRY SAYING:
I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF:
F___ it, I'm not getting overtime.


15) TRY SAYING:
I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF:
Shove it up your a__.


16) TRY SAYING:
I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF:
This job sucks c__k.

17) TRY SAYING:
You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF:
Who the f___ died and made you boss?


18 ) TRY SAYING:
He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF:
He's a pr_ck.
Thank You,
Human Resources

--------------------
"Haven't thought of a witty one lately"


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Storm Cooper
User


Reged: Sat
Posts: 1290
Loc: Panama City , FL
Re: GOOD ONE!!! [Re: FlaMommy]
      #46413 - Wed Aug 03 2005 08:06 PM

I guess my post was somewhat too strong and taken the wrong way. All the jokes have been funny... no issue there. It is just some of the words are getting a little strong for some of our posters here.... and the way it is going it will probably get stronger. That was my point, think of everyone who may be reading this. Post the jokes but maybe adjust some words and so forth.

--------------------
Hurricane Season 2017 13/7/1


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FlaMommy
Storm Tracker


Reged: Fri
Posts: 225
Loc: Tampa(Riverview), Florida
Re: GOOD ONE!!! [Re: Storm Cooper]
      #46435 - Wed Aug 03 2005 11:50 PM

that is completely and totally understandable...i just didnt realize that there were some younger posters on here...like i said i apologize

--------------------
"Haven't thought of a witty one lately"


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FlaMommy
Storm Tracker


Reged: Fri
Posts: 225
Loc: Tampa(Riverview), Florida
Re: GOOD ONE!!! [Re: FlaMommy]
      #46445 - Thu Aug 04 2005 08:43 AM

What Religion is Your Bra?

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up
to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my
wife.
What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?
Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every
shape, size, color and material imaginable.
Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types
of bras to choose from.
Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied:
There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the
Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?
Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.
The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple...

The Catholic type supports the masses.

The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen,

The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and

The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills.


Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters
used to define bra sizes?

If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood
for, it is about time you became informed!
(A} Almost Boobs...

{B} Barely there.

{C} Can't Complain!

{D} Dang!

{DD} Double dang!

{E} Enorm! ous!

{F} Fake.

{G} Get a Reduction.

{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up !

--------------------
"Haven't thought of a witty one lately"


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FlaMommy
Storm Tracker


Reged: Fri
Posts: 225
Loc: Tampa(Riverview), Florida
Re: GOOD ONE!!! [Re: FlaMommy]
      #46447 - Thu Aug 04 2005 08:47 AM

Pick-Up Lines And Comebacks

Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."

Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?"
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under the rock?"

Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."

Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."

Man: "What sign were you born under?"
Woman: "No Parking."

Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do Not Enter"

Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized!"

Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason."
Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

Man: "I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy."
Woman: "You mean you've got both a donkey and a Great Dane?"

Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."

Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

Man: "I can tell that you want me."
Woman: "Ohhhh, you're so right. I want you to leave."

Man: "If I could just see you naked, I'd die happy."
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."

Man: "Hey, cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?"
Woman: "Sorry, I don't date outside my species."

Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."

Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."

Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you."
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?"

Man: If I were to rewrite the alphabet, I would put U and I together.
Woman: Yeah?! Well, if I were to rewrite the alphabet I would put F and U together.
Get my point?!

--------------------
"Haven't thought of a witty one lately"


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B.C.Francis
Storm Tracker


Reged: Sat
Posts: 315
Loc: Indiatlantic Florida
Re: GOOD ONE!!! [Re: FlaMommy]
      #46448 - Thu Aug 04 2005 08:59 AM

Excellent start this morning!!!!!!!......Better than coffee.......Weatherchef

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FlaMommy
Storm Tracker


Reged: Fri
Posts: 225
Loc: Tampa(Riverview), Florida
Re: GOOD ONE!!! [Re: B.C.Francis]
      #46459 - Thu Aug 04 2005 10:47 AM

thanks weatherchef....good to know im amusing someone;)

--------------------
"Haven't thought of a witty one lately"


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B.C.Francis
Storm Tracker


Reged: Sat
Posts: 315
Loc: Indiatlantic Florida
Re: GOOD ONE!!! [Re: FlaMommy]
      #46645 - Fri Aug 05 2005 03:51 PM

They say that 50% of all marriages end in divorce. Thats not as bad as it sounds, considering that the other 50% end in death.........Weatherchef

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Heather
Weather Hobbyist


Reged: Tue
Posts: 91
Loc: Sebring, FL
Re: GOOD ONE!!! [Re: B.C.Francis]
      #46655 - Fri Aug 05 2005 06:01 PM

Some more funnies for the girls...

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.



Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.



WOMEN'S REVENGE



"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me,

and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN

(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,

pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,

and still be afraid of a spider.


MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,

Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,

"It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."
He addressed the man,
"Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.

The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.

She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton
balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, " You see, it's like this,

yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes,
and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling
papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own . so does she.
( I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton! )


WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and

neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,

the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."



W O R D S

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...

30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"



CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be

so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
" The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.

God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!


WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first,

and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and

you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible

that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament

and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says........."HEBREWS"



The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each
other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day,
he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM
and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and
see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by
the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.



God may have created man before woman,

but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

--------------------
When it rains, it pours...


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