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Off-Topic >> Comedy Shop

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Jamiewx
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Cows & Politics Explained
      #45098 - Sat Jul 23 2005 10:38 PM

A CHRISTIAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.

A SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.

AN AMERICAN REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?

AN AMERICAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.

A COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk.

A FASCIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. They are mad. They die. Pass the shepherd's pie, please.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.

A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship both of them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported on them.

AN ISRAELI CORPORATION: There are these two Jewish cows, right? They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights. They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors. So, who needs people?

AN ARKANSAS CORPORATION: You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute.

--------------------
"Climate is what you expect, weather is what you get"
- Robert A. Heinlein


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B.C.Francis
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Trouble marriage Part 1 [Re: Jamiewx]
      #46179 - Sun Jul 31 2005 09:29 AM

A husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary ! The husband yells, " When you die, I`m getting you a headstone that reads:"Here Lies My Wife- Cold As Ever "......."Yeah ?" she replies. " When you die, I`m getting you a headstone that reads: " Here Lies My Husband- Stiff At Last......Weatherchef

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FlaMommy
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Re: Trouble marriage Part 2 [Re: B.C.Francis]
      #46187 - Sun Jul 31 2005 12:52 PM

THE PERFECT HUSBAND

There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rings. One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:

"Hello?"
"Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
"Yes."
"Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful mink coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"
"What's the price?"
"Only $1,500.00."
"Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much ... "

"Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year ... "
"What price did he quote you?"
"Only $60,000 ... "
"OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

"Great! But before we hang up, something else ... "
"What?"
"It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property ... "
"How much are they asking?"
"Only $450,000 - a magnificent price ... and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover ... "

"Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?"
"OK, sweetie ... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"
"Bye ... I do too ... "

The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap, and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present: "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?


--------------------
"Haven't thought of a witty one lately"

Edited by FlaMommy (Sun Jul 31 2005 01:07 PM)


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B.C.Francis
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Re: Troubled marriage Part 2 [Re: FlaMommy]
      #46188 - Sun Jul 31 2005 01:08 PM

A man has six children and is proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, " Mother of Six " in spite of her objections.... One night, they go to a party. The man decides that its time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, " Shall we go home 'Mother of Six' ?".....His wife , irritated by her husband`s lack of discretion, shouts right back, " I`m ready when your ready, "Father of Four ".......Weatherchef

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FlaMommy
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Re: Troubled marriage Part 2 [Re: B.C.Francis]
      #46189 - Sun Jul 31 2005 01:10 PM

MY DEAREST WIFE

To My Dearest Wife,

During the past year, I have attempted to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of only once every 10 days. The following is a list of why I didn't succeed more often:

We will wake the kids - 54 times

It's too late - 15 times

I'm too tired - 42 times

It's too early - 12 times

It's too hot - 18 times

Pretending to be asleep - 31 times

The neighbors will hear - 9 times

Headache or backache - 26 times

Sunburn - 10 times

Your mother will hear us - 9 times

Not in the mood - 21 times

Watching the late show - 17 times

Too sore - 26 times

New hairdo - 6 times

Wrong time of the month - 14 times

You had to go to the bathroom - 19 times

Of the 36 times that I DID succeed, the result was not always satisfying because 6 times you just laid there, 8 times you reminded me that there was a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you up to tell you I was finished, and once I was afraid that I had hurt you because you started thrashing around and breathing heavy. Let's try to improve this, shall we??

Love, Your Hubby

**********************

To My Dearest Husband,

I think things are a little confused. Here are the REAL reasons you didn't get more than you did this past year:

Came home drunk and tried to screw the cat - 23 times

Did not come home at all - 36 times

Did not come - 21 times

Came too soon - 38 times

Went soft before you got it in - 19 times

Cramps in your leg - 16 times

Working too late - 33 times

You had a rash, probably from a toilet seat - 29 times

Caught yourself in your zipper - 15 times

You had a cold and your nose kept running - 21 times

You had burned your tongue on hot coffee - 9 times

You had a splinter in your finger - 11 times

You lost the notion after thinking about it - 42 times

Came in your pajamas after reading a dirty book - 16 times

The reason I laid still was because you had missed me and were screwing the sheet. You seemed to be having a good time and I didn't want to move and spoil it for you. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling. What I said was, "Would you like me on my back or kneeling?" The time I was thrashing around and gasping was when you farted and I was fighting for air. Maybe you can work on your "shortcomings?"

Love, Your Wife

--------------------
"Haven't thought of a witty one lately"


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FlaMommy
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Re: Troubled marriage Part 2 [Re: FlaMommy]
      #46190 - Sun Jul 31 2005 01:13 PM

CAUGHT CHEATING

A woman came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman.

With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged her husband down the stairs to the garage and put his manhood in a vice. She then secured it tightly and removed the handle.

Next she picked up a hacksaw.

The husband terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off are you?"

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, said, "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire."


***I would so do that;)***

--------------------
"Haven't thought of a witty one lately"


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B.C.Francis
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Re: Troubled marriage Part 2 [Re: FlaMommy]
      #46191 - Sun Jul 31 2005 01:16 PM

Thats a great one FlaMommy, unbelivable. I love it. Good laughing material and I needed it.....Weatherchef

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Heather
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Re: Troubled marriage Part 2 [Re: B.C.Francis]
      #46196 - Sun Jul 31 2005 02:11 PM

Five tips for a woman....

1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.

2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.

3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.

4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.

5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.

--------------------
When it rains, it pours...


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Jamiewx
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Husband Shopping Center [Re: Heather]
      #46212 - Sun Jul 31 2005 10:31 PM

Well since you all got to this subject, i got one to add

There was a "Husband Shopping Center" where a woman could go to choose a husband from among many men.

It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended up the floors. The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you must choose a man from that floor, and if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place.

So, a couple of girlfriends go to the place to find men.

First floor: The door had a sign saying "These men have jobs and love kids".

The women read the sign and say, "Well that's better than not having jobs, or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they go.

Second floor says "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking". Hummm, say the girls but, I wonder what's further up?

Third floor: "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework". "WOW!" say the women. Very tempting, BUT, there's more further up! And up they go.

Fourth Floor: "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak". "Oh mercy me, But just think! What must be awaiting us further up!" So, up to the fifth floor they go.

Fifth floor: The sign on the door said "This floor is just to prove that women are impossible to please. The exit is to your left, have a nice day".

--------------------
"Climate is what you expect, weather is what you get"
- Robert A. Heinlein


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B.C.Francis
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Re: Husband Shopping Center [Re: Jamiewx]
      #46220 - Mon Aug 01 2005 07:30 AM

Good one Jamiewx. That ought to stir up the funny feathers of FlaMommy and Heather. Those two where on a roll yesterday. I hope for some more laughs today to chase the "Monday Blues" away. I`ll see what I can dig up......Keep smilin.....Weatherchef

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FlaMommy
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The Perfect Gift [Re: B.C.Francis]
      #46228 - Mon Aug 01 2005 12:38 PM

A fellow was very much in love with a beautiful girl. One day she told him that the next day was her birthday. He told her he would send her a bouquet of roses... one for each year of her life.

That evening he called the local florist and ordered twenty-one roses with instructions that they be delivered first thing the next morning.

As the florist was preparing the order, he decided that since the young man was such a good customer, he would put an extra dozen roses in the bouquet.

The fellow never did find out what made the young girl so angry with him.

--------------------
"Haven't thought of a witty one lately"

Edited by FlaMommy (Mon Aug 01 2005 12:41 PM)


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FlaMommy
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Re: The Perfect Gift [Re: FlaMommy]
      #46229 - Mon Aug 01 2005 12:42 PM

Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests . . . I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge alive!"

As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash!! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could and screaming out of fear. The crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking as though he was running for his life. Finally, he made it to the other side with only a torn shirt and some minor injuries. The millionaire was impressed.

He said, "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?"

The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your money, nor do I want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that water!"

--------------------
"Haven't thought of a witty one lately"


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B.C.Francis
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Old age [Re: FlaMommy]
      #46238 - Mon Aug 01 2005 01:40 PM

This 65 year old women is jumping up and down , laughing and singing. Her husband walks into the room and sees her. He watches her awhile then says, " You look ridiculous, what the hell are you doing.? " She says, " I just got a check up and my doctor says I have the breasts of an eighteen- year old." He says, " Yeah, right. And what did he say about your 65 year- old ass ?" She says, " Well, your name never really came up. "

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FlaMommy
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Re: Old age [Re: B.C.Francis]
      #46249 - Mon Aug 01 2005 02:59 PM

A man getting along in years finds that he is unable to perform sexually.

He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things; but nothing seems to
work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man.

The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that said, he throws a white
powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. Then he
says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year. All you
have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"

The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to
continue?"

The medicine man replies: "All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it
will go down. But be warned: It will not work again for another year." The old
gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers and prowess.

That night he is ready to surprise his wife. He showers, shaves, and puts on
his most exotic shaving lotion and cologne. After he gets into bed and is
Lying next to her, he says, "123;" and suddenly he has the most gigantic
stiffie ever, just as the medicine man had promised.

His wife, who had been facing away from him, turns over and asks,

"What did you say '123' for?


--------------------
"Haven't thought of a witty one lately"


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FlaMommy
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GOOD ONE!!! [Re: FlaMommy]
      #46250 - Mon Aug 01 2005 03:00 PM

Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table.

Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him. "Herman, you know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!"

She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, "Herman, remember that new car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"

Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said, "Herman, that emerald necklace you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!"

Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "Herman, remember that blow job I promised you? ....Here it comes!"

--------------------
"Haven't thought of a witty one lately"


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B.C.Francis
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Re: GOOD ONE!!! [Re: FlaMommy]
      #46252 - Mon Aug 01 2005 03:41 PM

A woman tells her husband that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. Her husband tells her, " Hey, you don`t need surgery to do that. I know how to do it with out surgery." The guys wife asks," How do I do it with out surgery?" The husband says, " Just rub toilet paper between them. " Startled the wife asks, " How does that make them bigger?" " Who knows" says the husband, " It sure worked on your ass."..........Weatherchef.........P.S. I sure hope we get some trackin weather soon , I think I`m starting to loose it

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FlaMommy
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Re: GOOD ONE!!! [Re: B.C.Francis]
      #46258 - Mon Aug 01 2005 04:30 PM

One Sunday morning, a fisherman gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his lunch made, puts on his long-johns, grabs the dog, goes to the garage, hooks up his boat to the truck and down the driveway he goes for his regular Sunday fishing trip. Coming out of his garage, the rain is pouring down; it's like a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph, really bad conditions for fishing.

Minutes later, he returns to the house, goes inside and turns the TV to the Weather Channel and finds it's going to be bad weather all day long. So, he puts his boat back in the garage, goes back to the bedroom, quietly undresses, slips back into bed and cuddles up to his wife's back.

Now with a different anticipation, he whispers, "The weather out there's terrible." To which she sleepily replies, "Yeah; can you believe my stupid husband went out fishing?"

--------------------
"Haven't thought of a witty one lately"


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Heather
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Re: GOOD ONE!!! [Re: FlaMommy]
      #46264 - Mon Aug 01 2005 06:46 PM

Barbara Walters of 20/20 did a story on gender roles in Kabul,
Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that
the women customarily walked 5 paces behind their husbands. She
recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind
their husbands. From Ms. Walters vantage point, despite the overthrow
of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to walk even
further back behind their husbands and are happy to maintain the old
custom. Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked
"Why do you now seem happy with the old custom that you once tried so
desperately to change?" The women looked Ms. Walters straight in the
eyes and without hesitation, said "Land mines."

Moral of the story: Behind every man is a smart woman.

--------------------
When it rains, it pours...


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B.C.Francis
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Re: GOOD ONE!!! [Re: Heather]
      #46267 - Mon Aug 01 2005 07:26 PM

Jamiewx...Jamiewx... Do you copy...........I repeat.....Do you copy......Being hit hard on the comedy front.............Need help............Weatherchef

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FlaMommy
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Re: GOOD ONE!!! [Re: B.C.Francis]
      #46300 - Tue Aug 02 2005 11:38 AM

Subject: Potentially vs. realistically

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the
difference between potentially and realistically?"

The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if
she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars." "Then ask your
sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then
ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.
Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt
for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would! We
could
really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great
college!"

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad
Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?!?!?"

The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you
know how much a million bucks would buy?"

The boy pondered the answers for a few days, then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between
potentially and realistically?"

The boy replied, "Yes... potentially, you and I are sitting on three
million dollars, but realistically,we're living with two sluts and a
queer!"



--------------------
"Haven't thought of a witty one lately"


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FlaMommy
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Re: GOOD ONE!!! [Re: FlaMommy]
      #46301 - Tue Aug 02 2005 11:39 AM

Going & Going!

(AP) The Energizer Bunny, known best for "going and going and going..." passed away last evening at 12:42am.

Upon completion of the autopsy early this morning, the chief medical examiner ruled that the death was caused by acute cardiac arrest, induced by sexual over-stimulation.

Apparently, someone put the battery in backwards and the bunny kept coming and coming and coming...

Foul play has not been ruled out.

--------------------
"Haven't thought of a witty one lately"


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FlaMommy
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Re: GOOD ONE!!! [Re: FlaMommy]
      #46302 - Tue Aug 02 2005 11:40 AM

FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

FIVE MINUTES
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.


NOTHING
This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine"

GO AHEAD
This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"

THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome.

--------------------
"Haven't thought of a witty one lately"


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FlaMommy
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Re: GOOD ONE!!! [Re: FlaMommy]
      #46303 - Tue Aug 02 2005 11:41 AM

You may not know that many nonliving things have a gender.

For example:



1) Ziploc Bags -- They are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.



2) Copiers -- They are Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.



3) Tire -- Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.



4) Hot Air Balloon -- Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.



5) Sponges -- Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.



6) Web Page -- Female, because it's always getting hit on.



7) Subway -- Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.



8) Hourglass -- Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.



9) Hammer -- Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.



10) Remote Control -- Female...... Ha! You thought it'd be male. But consider this -- it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying

--------------------
"Haven't thought of a witty one lately"


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FlaMommy
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Re: GOOD ONE!!! [Re: FlaMommy]
      #46360 - Tue Aug 02 2005 08:29 PM

OK WHAT IS WITH THE DEPRESSING STUFF IN THE COMEDY FORUM??? WELL IM GONNA GET THIS PARTY GOING AGAIN....

How are tornadoes and marriage alike?
They both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.

--------------------
"Haven't thought of a witty one lately"


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Storm Cooper
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Re: GOOD ONE!!! [Re: FlaMommy]
      #46361 - Tue Aug 02 2005 08:36 PM

I really hate to brings things down but some of us have been looking at this forum and I alone think we need to tone it down just a bit... and this goes several posts back... we have some young people here so lets be thinking of that from here on in.

--------------------
Hurricane Season 2017 13/7/1


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Somebody
Unregistered




Re: GOOD ONE!!! [Re: FlaMommy]
      #46362 - Tue Aug 02 2005 08:51 PM

Please this is serious, I still dont understand how banal jokes dont get deleted and a simple warning does, well it's up to you mods, to help to spread the word or the lies...

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FlaMommy
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Re: GOOD ONE!!! [Re: Somebody]
      #46363 - Tue Aug 02 2005 09:11 PM

ok im sorry i will stop posting jokes....sorry so many people are offended....

--------------------
"Haven't thought of a witty one lately"


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B.C.Francis
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Re: GOOD ONE!!! [Re: Somebody]
      #46375 - Wed Aug 03 2005 08:59 AM

I too am sorry if any of the jokes that I posted has offended any of the members the last couple of days. We where just trying to lighten things up a bit while things where slow on storm tracking front....We will tone it down...........By the way, member SOMEBODY, what makes you laugh ?...Just curious.....Weatherchef

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TAZMAN
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Re: GOOD ONE!!! [Re: B.C.Francis]
      #46376 - Wed Aug 03 2005 10:06 AM

I personally did not see the harm and thought they were quite funny !! Thanks for the laughs ! isnít that what this forum (comedy shop) is for? I think somebody needs tlighten up.........

I actually think we were being to lenient.~danielw

Edited by danielw (Thu Aug 04 2005 12:32 AM)


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B.C.Francis
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Re: GOOD ONE!!! [Re: TAZMAN]
      #46386 - Wed Aug 03 2005 01:25 PM

Thank FlaMommy, she ruled the comedy forum for the last few days....... Weatherchef

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FlaMommy
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Re: GOOD ONE!!! [Re: B.C.Francis]
      #46392 - Wed Aug 03 2005 03:33 PM

Thank you guys... i appreciate the compliments...im glad u enjoyed them ill try to find some more "tasteful" jokes to post here...to keep everyones mind off the storms....

--------------------
"Haven't thought of a witty one lately"


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FlaMommy
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Re: GOOD ONE!!! [Re: FlaMommy]
      #46397 - Wed Aug 03 2005 03:49 PM

SWEARING AT WORK


It has been brought to management's
attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using
foul language during the course of normal conversation with their
co-workers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may
be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be
tolerated. We do however; realize the critical importance of being able to
accurately express your feelings when communicating with co- workers. Therefore a list of 18 New and innovative phrases have been provided so that
proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective
manner.
1) TRY
SAYING:
I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD
OF:
You don't know what the f___ you're doing.

2) TRY
> SAYING:
She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD
OF:
She's a ball-busting c__t.


3) TRY
SAYING:
Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF:
And when the f___ do you expect me to do that?


4) TRY SAYING:
I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD
> OF:
No f___ing chance.

5) TRY SAYING:
Really?
INSTEAD OF:
You've got to be sh__ing me!


6) TRY SAYING:
Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF:
Tell someone who gives a f__.


7) TRY SAYING:
I wasn't involved in
> the project.
INSTEAD OF:
It's not my f____ing problem.


8) TRY SAYING:
That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF:
What the f___?


9) TRY SAYING:
I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF:
This sh__ won't work.


10) TRY SAYING:
I'll try to schedule that in.
INSTEAD OF:
Why the f___ing h _ll didn't you tell me sooner?


11) TRY SAYING:
He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF:
He's got his head up his a__.


12) TRY SAYING:
Excuse me sir?
INSTEAD OF:
Eat sh__ and die.

13) TRY SAYING:
So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF:

Kiss my a__.

14) TRY SAYING:
I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF:
F___ it, I'm not getting overtime.


15) TRY SAYING:
I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF:
Shove it up your a__.


16) TRY SAYING:
I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF:
This job sucks c__k.

17) TRY SAYING:
You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF:
Who the f___ died and made you boss?


18 ) TRY SAYING:
He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF:
He's a pr_ck.
Thank You,
Human Resources

--------------------
"Haven't thought of a witty one lately"


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Storm Cooper
User


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Loc: Panama City , FL
Re: GOOD ONE!!! [Re: FlaMommy]
      #46413 - Wed Aug 03 2005 08:06 PM

I guess my post was somewhat too strong and taken the wrong way. All the jokes have been funny... no issue there. It is just some of the words are getting a little strong for some of our posters here.... and the way it is going it will probably get stronger. That was my point, think of everyone who may be reading this. Post the jokes but maybe adjust some words and so forth.

--------------------
Hurricane Season 2017 13/7/1


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FlaMommy
Storm Tracker


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Posts: 225
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Re: GOOD ONE!!! [Re: Storm Cooper]
      #46435 - Wed Aug 03 2005 11:50 PM

that is completely and totally understandable...i just didnt realize that there were some younger posters on here...like i said i apologize

--------------------
"Haven't thought of a witty one lately"


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FlaMommy
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Re: GOOD ONE!!! [Re: FlaMommy]
      #46445 - Thu Aug 04 2005 08:43 AM

What Religion is Your Bra?

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up
to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my
wife.
What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?
Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every
shape, size, color and material imaginable.
Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types
of bras to choose from.
Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied:
There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the
Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?
Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.
The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple...

The Catholic type supports the masses.

The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen,

The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and

The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills.


Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters
used to define bra sizes?

If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood
for, it is about time you became informed!
(A} Almost Boobs...

{B} Barely there.

{C} Can't Complain!

{D} Dang!

{DD} Double dang!

{E} Enorm! ous!

{F} Fake.

{G} Get a Reduction.

{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up !

--------------------
"Haven't thought of a witty one lately"


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FlaMommy
Storm Tracker


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Posts: 225
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Re: GOOD ONE!!! [Re: FlaMommy]
      #46447 - Thu Aug 04 2005 08:47 AM

Pick-Up Lines And Comebacks

Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."

Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?"
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under the rock?"

Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."

Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."

Man: "What sign were you born under?"
Woman: "No Parking."

Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do Not Enter"

Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized!"

Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason."
Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

Man: "I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy."
Woman: "You mean you've got both a donkey and a Great Dane?"

Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."

Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

Man: "I can tell that you want me."
Woman: "Ohhhh, you're so right. I want you to leave."

Man: "If I could just see you naked, I'd die happy."
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."

Man: "Hey, cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?"
Woman: "Sorry, I don't date outside my species."

Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."

Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."

Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you."
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?"

Man: If I were to rewrite the alphabet, I would put U and I together.
Woman: Yeah?! Well, if I were to rewrite the alphabet I would put F and U together.
Get my point?!

--------------------
"Haven't thought of a witty one lately"


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B.C.Francis
Storm Tracker


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Re: GOOD ONE!!! [Re: FlaMommy]
      #46448 - Thu Aug 04 2005 08:59 AM

Excellent start this morning!!!!!!!......Better than coffee.......Weatherchef

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FlaMommy
Storm Tracker


Reged: Fri
Posts: 225
Loc: Tampa(Riverview), Florida
Re: GOOD ONE!!! [Re: B.C.Francis]
      #46459 - Thu Aug 04 2005 10:47 AM

thanks weatherchef....good to know im amusing someone;)

--------------------
"Haven't thought of a witty one lately"


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B.C.Francis
Storm Tracker


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Posts: 315
Loc: Indiatlantic Florida
Re: GOOD ONE!!! [Re: FlaMommy]
      #46645 - Fri Aug 05 2005 03:51 PM

They say that 50% of all marriages end in divorce. Thats not as bad as it sounds, considering that the other 50% end in death.........Weatherchef

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Heather
Weather Hobbyist


Reged: Tue
Posts: 91
Loc: Sebring, FL
Re: GOOD ONE!!! [Re: B.C.Francis]
      #46655 - Fri Aug 05 2005 06:01 PM

Some more funnies for the girls...

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.



Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.



WOMEN'S REVENGE



"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me,

and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN

(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,

pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,

and still be afraid of a spider.


MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,

Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,

"It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."
He addressed the man,
"Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.

The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.

She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton
balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, " You see, it's like this,

yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes,
and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling
papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own . so does she.
( I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton! )


WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and

neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,

the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."



W O R D S

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...

30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"



CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be

so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
" The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.

God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!


WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first,

and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and

you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible

that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament

and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says........."HEBREWS"



The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each
other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day,
he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM
and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and
see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by
the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.



God may have created man before woman,

but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

--------------------
When it rains, it pours...


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LI Phil
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Loc: Long Island (40.7N 73.6W)
EQUAL TIME for the fellas... [Re: Heather]
      #46664 - Fri Aug 05 2005 08:25 PM




What's the difference between a woman having her period and a terrorist?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What do they call a woman who works as hard as a man? Answer: "Lazy."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two guys and a girl were sitting at a bar talking about their lives.
The one guy said, "I'm a YUPPIE. You know, Young Urban Professional."
The second guy responded, "I'm a DINK. You know, Double Income No Kids."
They then asked the woman, "What are you?"
She replied: "I'm a WIFE. You know, Wash, Iron, F--k, Etc."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


What do you call a room full of women, half with PMS, half with yeast infections?
A whine and cheese party

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Top 10 reasons why a handgun is better than a woman



#10 - You can trade an old .44 for two new .22s.


#9 - You can keep one handgun at home and have another for
when you're on the road.


#8 - If you admire a friend's handgun, and tell him so, he
will probably let you try it out a few times.


#7 - Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you have a
backup.


#6 - Your handgun will stay with you even if you're out of
ammo.


#5 - A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.


#4 - Handguns function normally every day of the month.


#3 - A handgun doesn't ask "Do these new grips make me look
fat?"


#2 - A handgun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you
use it.


AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY THAT A HANDGUN IS BETTER THAN A
WOMAN . . . You can buy a silencer for a handgun.



contributed by chris m

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why is it called PMS? -- Because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


A woman went to a doctor and said , doctor, I have a problem. every time I sneeze I have an orgasm. the doctor said, oh really, what have you been doing for it. the woman replied, snorting pepper.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she's been giving me lately!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


I have a frog in the back
A woman is shopping for a pet as a gift for her husband, but she is concerned that the prices that the Pet Shop are charging are very high. She goes to the clerk and explains her concern. "Well, I have a frog in the back that I can let you have for $50," the clerk says. "$50?" the woman replies. "That seems terribly expensive for a frog."

"Well, this frog is worth it. It's been trained to give blow jobs."

The woman is stunned, but because her husband loves this sort of sex, and because she is not particularly fond of it, she decides the frog might be a good investment. She buys the frog, brings it home, presents it to her husband, and explains its special value. The husband is skeptical, but promises he'll give the frog a try that night. The woman goes to sleep happily knowing she won't be
bothered by her husband that night.

She is suddenly awakened by a clatter coming from the kitchen. She goes downstairs and finds the frog and her husband pulling out pots and pans and poring over cookbooks.

"What are you two doing down here?" she asks. Her husband responds, "If I can teach this frog to cook, you're out of here!"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Girl comes in for a Checkup
A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, the doctor notices a red 'H' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue 'Y' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green 'M' on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor.

"No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin, Why do you ask?"



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




Marriage changes passion................suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Tongue Twister
A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He immediately notices that the guy next to him also has a black eye.

He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence: we both have black eyes. Mind if I ask how you got yours?"

So the guy tells him: "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident, sort of. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the biggest breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying: I'd like a ticket to Pittsburgh, I said: I'd like a picket to Tittsburgh." "She socked me one."

The first guy responded, "Mine was a tongue twister too."
"I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife: Please pour me a bowl of Corn Flakes, but I accidentally said: You ruined my life, you lousy bitch.''



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Let's Swap Positions
"Darling" says a husband coyly to his wife: "let's swap positions tonight". "What a good idea" she replies, "you stand in front of the ironing board, and I'll sit in front of the TV and fart".



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------







Understanding a Woman


We need REALLY MEANS I want

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You want REALLY MEANS You need

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It's your decision REALLY MEANS The correct decision should be obvious by now.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

We need to talk REALLY MEANS I need to complain

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Do what you want REALLY MEANS You'll pay for this later.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You're ... so manly REALLY MEANS You need a shave and you sweat a lot.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sure... go ahead REALLY MEANS I don't want you to.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm not upset REALLY MEANS Of course I'm upset, you moron!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You're certainly attentive tonight. REALLY MEANS Is sex all you ever think about?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! REALLY MEANS I'm on my period.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Be romantic, turn out the lights. REALLY MEANS I'm Embarrassed

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This kitchen is so inconvenient REALLY MEANS I want a new house.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You have to learn to communicate. REALLY MEANS Just agree with me.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Yes REALLY MEANS No

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

No REALLY MEANS No

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Maybe REALLY MEANS No

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I heard a noise REALLY MEANS I noticed you were almost asleep.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Do you love me? REALLY MEANS I'm going to ask for something expensive.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

How much do you love me? REALLY MEANS I did something you're not going to like.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'll be ready in a minute. REALLY MEANS Be patient I'll be a while.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Am I a little fat? REALLY MEANS Tell me I'm beautiful.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm sorry. REALLY MEANS You'll be sorry.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Do you like this recipe? REALLY MEANS It's easy to fix, so get used to it.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Was that the baby? REALLY MEANS Why don't you wake up and deal with the baby.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm not yelling! REALLY MEANS Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

All we're going to buy is a soap dish REALLY MEANS Major shopping trip. Did you bring your checkbook?


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Ah Sorority Girls


How many sorority girls does it take to change a light bulb?
She holds on to it, and the world revolves around her.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two, one to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call Daddy.
Six, one to screw it in, and five to make T-shirts.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What three words will a sorority girl never hear?
"Attention K-mart shoppers."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What is a sorority girls favorite position?
Facing Bloomingdale's.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

How do you get four sorority girls on one chair?
Tell them there is a rich guy sitting in it.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why does a sorority girl close her eyes during sex?
So she can fantasize about shopping.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What's the difference between sorority girls and Jell-o?
Jell-o wiggles when you eat it.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What do you call a sorority girl's waterbed?
Lake Placid.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

How do you know when a sorority girl is a nymphomaniac?
She'll make love the same day she had her hair done.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What is the difference between sorority girls and hookers?
Sorority girls cost less per score.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What's the difference between a sorority girl and a phone booth?
You need a quarter to use the phone.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What do you say to a sorority girl that won't give in?
"Have another beer."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What does a sorority girl put behind her ears to make her look more attractive?
Her ankles.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why does a sorority girl wear underwear?
To keep her ankles warm.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What is the first thing a sorority girl does in the morning?
Walks home.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What is a sorority girls mating call?
"I'm sooooooo drunk, I'm sooooooo drunk."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

How can you tell if a sorority girl has achieved orgasm?
She drops her nail file

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What's the difference between a sorority girl and a bowling ball?
There is no difference. They're both round and have three holes to poke.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What does the Bermuda Triangle and sorority girls have in common?
They've both swallowed a lot of semen.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why is a sorority girl like a door knob?
'Cause everybody gets a turn.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What's the difference between sorority girls and garbage?
Garbage gets taken out once a week.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

How do you prevent a sorority girl from having sex?
Marry her.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Did you hear about the new sorority girl doll?
You put a ring on her finger and her hips expand.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What do you get when you cross a sorority girl with an lawyer?
Don't know. There's only so much an lawyer can be forced to do.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

How do you get a sorority girl in your bed?
Grease her hips so she'll fit through the door and throw a Twinkie on the bed.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What do you call 100 sorority girls bathing on a beach in Cuba?
Bay of Pigs.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

How are a bowling ball and a sorority girl alike?
You can pick them up, stick your fingers in them, and throw them in the gutter and they'll always come back.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What's the difference between a sorority girl and a toilet?
A toilet doesn't follow you around after you use it

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What's the difference between a sorority and a circus?
A circus is a cunning array of stunts.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Bananas
Two old maids were grocery shopping. The sign said `Bananas - 3 for 50 cents. So they put two in the shopping cart. One said to the other, "How much will that be apiece?" The other one said, " That would be fifty cents divided by three, multiplied by two, then divided by two - whatever that comes to." So the first old maid said, " Heck, just get three. That'll be a quarter apiece and we can eat the other one.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



A Day at the Zoo
It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), grunting and pounding his chest with the free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along. She does and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall, she does, and Mr. Gorilla is just about to tear the bars down. Now try lifting your dress up your thighs...this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy. Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and says, "Now, tell HIM you have a headache."



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Riding Bikes
Two women were riding their rickety old bikes down the back streets of Rome one late afternoon. As it turns dusk, the increasing darkness starts making one of the women a little nervous. She leans over to the other and says, "You know, I've never come this way before." The other says, "It's the cobblestones."



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Why Beer Is Better Than Women

You can enjoy a beer all month long.

Beer stains wash out.

You don't have to wine and dine a beer.

Your beer will always wait patiently in the car while you play ball.

If your beer is flat, you can toss it out.

Beer is never late.

A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.

A hangover will go away.

Beer labels come off without a fight.

When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer.

A beer never has a headache.

A beer will never nag you.

A beer won't get upset if you come home and have another beer.

If you pour a beer right, you'll always get good head.

A beer always goes down easy.

You can share a beer with friends.

You always know if you're the first one to pop a beer.

A beer is always wet.

A beer doesn't demand equality.

You can have a beer in public.

A beer doesn't care what time you come home.

A frigid beer is a good beer.

You don't have to wash a beer for it to taste good.

If you decide to change beers, you don't have to pay alimony.

--------------------
2005 Forecast: 14/7/4

BUCKLE UP!

"If your topic ain't tropic, your post will be toast"


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B.C.Francis
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Re: EQUAL TIME for the fellas... [Re: LI Phil]
      #46706 - Sat Aug 06 2005 08:44 AM

Great post LI Phil......I don`t know about you , but I think I can hear some comedy sabre rattling over in the girls camp this morning.......This could be a very interesting day on the joke front..........Hold the line.........Weatherchef

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FlaMommy
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Posts: 225
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Re: EQUAL TIME for the fellas... [Re: B.C.Francis]
      #46722 - Sat Aug 06 2005 11:56 AM

ITS ME AGAIN...IM BACK!!!!!!!


Q. How are husbands like lawn mowers?
A. They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odours, and half the time they don't work.

Q. How can you tell when a man is well hung?
A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

Q. How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
A. We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.

Q. How do men exercise on the beach?
A. By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

Q. How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
A. Make him wear shoes.

Q. How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A. Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."

Q. How does a man show he's planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

Q. How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?
A. All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.

Q. What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?
A. Any place without a drive-up window.

Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?
A. Trustworthy.

Q. What do you call the useless piece of skin on the end of a man's penis?
A. His body.

Q. What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner?
A. A power failure.

Q. What should you give a man who has everything?
A. A woman to show him how to work it.

Q. What do men and mascara have in common?
A. They both run at the first sign of emotion.

Q. What do men and pantyhose have in common?
A. They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!

Q. What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
A. His wife is good at picking out clothes.

Q. What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
A. Sex.

Q. What's a man's idea of honestly in a relationship?
A. Telling you his real name.

Q. What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
A. Put the remote control between his toes.

Q. What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man?
A. Big Foot's been spotted a several times.

Q. What's the smartest thing a man can say?
A. "My wife says..."

Q. Why can't men get mad cow disease?
A. Because they're all pigs.

Q. Why do men like smart women?
A. Opposites attract.

Q. Why do men name their penises?
A. Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90% of their decisions.

Q. Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
A. Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.

Q. Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A. Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q. Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
A. Because if they all went, it would be Hell.

Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A widow.

Q. When do you care for a man's company?
A. When he owns it.

Q. What do men and sperm have in common?
A. They both have one in a million chance of becoming a human being.

--------------------
"Haven't thought of a witty one lately"


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FlaMommy
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Re: EQUAL TIME for the fellas... [Re: FlaMommy]
      #46723 - Sat Aug 06 2005 11:57 AM

Top 10 Reasons Computers Must Be Male

10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.

9. A better model is always just around the corner.

8. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.

7. It is always necessary to have a backup.

6. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.

5. The best part of having one is the games you can play.

4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

3. The lights are on but nobody's home.

2. Big power surges knock them out for the night.

1. Size does matter.

Q. Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
A. So men can be open minded

Q. Three words to ruin a man's ego...
A. "Is it in?"

Q. What can a bird do that a man can't?
A. Whistle through its pecker.

Q. Why don't women blink during foreplay?
A. They don't have time.

Q. Why did God put men on earth?
A. Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.

Q. Why don't women have men's brains?
A. Because they don't have penises to keep them in.

Q. What is the insensitive bit at the base of the penis called?
A The man

Q. What do a vagina, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
A. Men always miss them.

Q. Why do so many women fake orgasm?
A. Because so many men fake foreplay.

Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One, men will screw anything.

Q. Why do men have a hole in their penis?
A. So oxygen can get to their brains.

Q. What is the thinnest book in the world?
A. What men know about women.

Q. How are men and parking spots alike?
A. The good ones are always taken and the ones left are handicapped.

Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

On the Second day God says to Adam, "I have some good news... and some bad news." Adam responds, "Well tell me the good news first"
"Alright my son, the good news is I will give you both a brain and a penis... the bad news is I'm only going to give you enough blood to run one at a time"

Q. Three words women hate to hear when having sex?
A. "Honey, I'm home!"

Q. What is the thickest book in the world?
A. "What Men Think They Know About Women"

Q. What's the difference between an intelligent man and a UFO?
A. I don't know, I've never seen either one.

Q. Why are gingerbread men the best men of all?
A. They are cute. They are sweet. and if they give you any lip, you can bite their heads off.

Q. What's a man view of safe sex?
A. A padded headboard or fluffy handcuffs.

Q. Why do men name their penises?
A. Because their mother told them not to play with strangers.

Q. What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
A. Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Q. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
A. Because those men already have boyfriends.

Q. How many men does it take to wallpaper a bathroom?
A. Three, if you slice them very thinly.

Q. How can you tell if a man is happy?
A. Who cares?

Q. Why did the man cross the road?
A. He heard the chicken was a slut.

Men are like.....Bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are.

Men are like.....Weather. Nothing can be done to change them.

Men are like.....Blenders. You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

Men are like.....Coffee. The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.

Men are like.....Commercials. You can't believe a word they say.

Men are like.....Government bonds. They take so long to mature.

Men are like.....Laxatives. They irritate the sh*t out of you.

Men are like.....Horoscopes. They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

Men are like.....Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like.....Popcorn. They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Men are like.....Lava Lamps. Fun to look at, but not very bright.

Men are like.....Parking Spots. All the good ones are taken, and the rest are handicapped.

--------------------
"Haven't thought of a witty one lately"

Edited by FlaMommy (Sat Aug 06 2005 11:59 AM)


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B.C.Francis
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Re: EQUAL TIME for the fellas... [Re: FlaMommy]
      #46740 - Sat Aug 06 2005 01:48 PM

OUCH ! ! ! !............I think I better radio for help..........Weatherchef

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B.C.Francis
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Rules Men Wish Women Knew [Re: FlaMommy]
      #46825 - Sun Aug 07 2005 11:21 AM

1. If you think your fat, you probably are. Don`t ask us
2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if its up put it down
3. Don`t cut your hair. Ever
4.Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if he can find the perfect present , again.
5.If you ask a question you don`t want an answer to, expect an answer you don`t want to hear.
6. Sometimes, hes not thinking about you. Live with it.
7.Get rid of your cat. And no, its not different, its just like every other cat.
8.Dogs are better than any cats. Period.
9. Sunday=Sports. Its like the full moon or the changing of the tides, Let it be.
10. Shopping is not sport.
11. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
12.You have enough cloths.
13. You have too many shoes.
14. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don`t expect us to like it.
15. Ask for what you want. Sutle hints don`t work.
16. No, he doesn`t know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar
17. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We`re bound to miss sometimes.
18. Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes- what makes you think we`d be good at choosing which pair out of thirty, would look good with your dress ?
19. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
20. A headache that last for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
21. Yor Mom doesn`t have to be your best friend.
22. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
23. Check your oil.
24. Don`t give us 50 rules when 25 will do.
25. Don`t fake it. We`d rather be ineffective than deceived.
26. Its neither in your best interest nor ours to take a quiz together.
27. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
28. If you don`t dress like the Victoria`s Secret girls, don`t expect us to act like soap opera guys.
29. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
30. Let us ogle. If we don`t look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are.
31. Don`t rub the lamp if you don`t want the genie to come out.
32. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done, not both.
33. Christopher Columbus didn`t need directions, and neither do we.
34. Women wearing Wonderbras and low cut blouses lose their right tocomplain about having their boobs stared at.
35. Telling us that the models in the men`s magazine`s are air brushed makes you jealous and look petty and its certainly not going to deter us from reading the magazines.


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FlaMommy
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Posts: 225
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Re: Good Clean Joke....lol [Re: B.C.Francis]
      #46980 - Tue Aug 09 2005 10:38 AM

The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a bar having adrink when a great-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me."

So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese." The Collie replies, "That's not good enough."

The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese." She says, "That's not creative enough."

Finally, the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone . . . cheese mine."

--------------------
"Haven't thought of a witty one lately"


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B.C.Francis
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Stroke [Re: FlaMommy]
      #47072 - Tue Aug 09 2005 04:43 PM

There are two old ladies sitting on a park bench. A man jumps out of the bushes and flashes them.
One of the ladies has a stroke, and the other one gets mad cause she couldn`t reach....Weatherchef


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FlaMommy
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Posts: 225
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Re: I MISSED U GUYS... [Re: B.C.Francis]
      #47516 - Thu Aug 11 2005 11:37 AM

Ever feel like your being deprived and going thru withdrawals from CFHC when u dont get on eveyday? I do:)....ok heres anotherjoke...


James was on the beach,and could not understand why Earl had attracted all the girls,while he had no luck.So he asked Earl,"why do you get all the girls and i get nothing?" Earl replied "take a potato and tuck it in your swimming trunks.It drives the women wild!"
So James stuffed a potato in his suit and paraded up and down the beach.Several hours later,he still had no woman.James went to see Earl again and said "I've tried the potato and it doesn't work!"
Earl looked at James and asked,"have you tried putting the potato in the front,there,Lumpy?"

--------------------
"Haven't thought of a witty one lately"


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FlaMommy
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Reged: Fri
Posts: 225
Loc: Tampa(Riverview), Florida
Re: I MISSED U GUYS... [Re: FlaMommy]
      #47517 - Thu Aug 11 2005 11:40 AM

A lawyer and a blonde woman happen to be sitting next to each other on a long flight from L.A. to New York.The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like like to play an fun game.The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap,so she politely declines and roll over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persist,saying the the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains how the game work."Iask you a question,and if you don't know the answer you pay me,and vice-versa."Again,the blonde politely declines and tries to get some sleep.The lawyer figures that since his opponent is a blonde he will easily win the match,so he makes another offer.Okay,how about this if you don't know the answer,you pay me only $5,but if i don't know the answer i pay you $500,"This catches the blonde's attention and.figuring the there will be no end to this torment unless she plays,she agrees to play the game.The lawyer ask the first question,"What's the distance from the Earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word,reaches in her purse,pulls out a five dollar bill,and hands it to the lawyer,Now,it's the blondes turn.She asks the lawyer.."What goes up a hill with three legs,and comes down with four? "The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look.He takes out his laptop computer and searches
all references.He taps into the Air-phone with his modem and searches the net and even the Library of Congress.Frustrated he sends E-mail to all his coworkers and friends he knows....all to no avail.
After over and hour of searching for the answer he finally gives up.He wakes the blonde and handes her $500.The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep.The lawyer who cannot imagine what the answer is,and is going nuts trying to figure it out,is more than a little frustrated!He wakes the blonde and asks,"Well,so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"
The blonde reaches in her purse and hands the lawyer a $5 spot says,"hell if i know",and goes back to sleep.

Moral: LET US SLEEP!!!

--------------------
"Haven't thought of a witty one lately"


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Serino
Unregistered




Re: GOOD ONE!!! [Re: FlaMommy]
      #54540 - Sun Sep 11 2005 12:29 AM

Most of the humor is just great and I find it quite original especially the stay away lady from Florida...boy is she good; I would like to hear, if it is OK , if the jokes are your own creation (wich is what I am hoping) or....never the less do not go away, keep it up, its great, thank you.

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