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Off-Topic >> Comedy Shop

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Ed DunhamAdministrator
Former Meteorologist & CFHC Forum Moderator (Ed Passed Away on May 14, 2017)


Reged: Sun
Posts: 2565
Loc: Melbourne, FL
The CFHC Bartenders Guide
      #72889 - Wed Aug 30 2006 10:46 PM

MANDATORY EVACUATION
1 1/2 oz. Absolute Ruby Red vodka
1/2 oz. vermouth
Clamato
Prune juice
Combine vodka and vermouth in cocktail glass. Fill remainder of glass with
equal parts Clamato and prune juice. Stir. Drink. Ask next-door neighbor
whose fichus tree blew over and crashed onto your roof - even though you'd
warned him for months to uproot it - if you can use his bathroom. Repeat.
============================================================
CATEGORY 5
1/2 oz. vodka
1/2 oz. tequila
1/2 oz. rum
1/2 oz. bourbon
1/2 oz. gin
Sweet-and-sour mix
Splash of fruit juice
Combine vodka, tequila, rum, bourbon and gin in a tall glass. Fill
remainder of glass with sweet-and-sour mix and splash of juice. Stir, then
garnish with an inverted drink umbrella. Drink during peak storm hours,
and vow not to believe anyone who tries to tell you the hurricane that flooded
your garage and destroyed your shed was just a Category 1.
============================================================
CONE OF PROBABILITY
1 oz. cinnamon schnapps
1 sugar cone
Pour the schnapps into the sugar cone. Every time you hear a TV weatherman
say, "cone of probability," bite off the end of the cone and down the shot.
If you hear Jim Cantore say it, drink two shots consecutively. (they
should change this to the "Cantore Zone"... damn him. Have you ever noticed that,
despite all the cone of probability talk, if Cantore is parked in front of
your house your butt is toast?)
============================================================
FEEDER BAND
2 oz. Midori
2 oz. rum
1 scoop vanilla ice cream
After your home loses power, combine Midori and rum in a cocktail glass.
Add a scoop of the vanilla ice cream that is melting in your freezer.
Stir, and
drink through a straw.
============================================================
BEACH EROSION
1 1/2 oz. Goldschläger
1 1/2 oz. apple brandy
1 pack Sugar in the Raw
Combine Goldschläger, apple brandy and sugar in cocktail glass. As you
drink, seriously contemplate moving your Yankee butt back to the Northeast
where it belongs.
============================================================
DOWNED POWER LINE
1 1/2 oz. rum
5 oz. Jolt Cola
Combine ingredients in a cocktail glass. Drink while trying to figure out
how the heck you're supposed to go two freakin' weeks without television
and AC.
============================================================
FLOOD ZONE
2 oz. Kahlúa
2 oz. Baileys Irish cream
4 oz. rum
Serve in a 6-ounce glass and laugh-cry deliriously as the mess spills all
over the countertop.
============================================================
COLD SHOWER
2 oz. Blue Aftershock
4 oz. Sprite
Combine in a cocktail glass with crushed ice you received after waiting in
line for three hours at a mall parking lot. Take a deep breath, sip and
scream like a little girl when the cold beverage hits your tongue.
Repeat.
============================================================
LOOTERS WILL BE SHOT
1 oz. Jack Daniel's
Splash of sarsaparilla
Rock salt
Load both barrels of a shotgun with rock salt. Climb to the roof of your
house with gun, bottle of Jack Daniel's and can of sarsaparilla. Fill shot
glass with Jack and splash of sarsaparilla. Watch for looters. When you spot
one, blast his butt with rock salt. Drink shot. Repeat.
============================================================
THE CHAIN SAW
1 oz. Goldschläger
1 oz. Rumplemintz
3 oz. Jim Beam
Splash of vermouth
Combine Goldschläger, Rumplemintz and Jim Beam in an empty soup can. Add
splash of vermouth. Drink. Remove chain saw from garage and attempt to cut
up fallen tree limbs in yard. Ask neighbor to drive you to hospital when
it all goes horribly wrong.
============================================================
FOUR-WAY STOP
1 1/2 oz. vodka
1 1/2 oz. vodka and Midori
1 1/2 oz. vodka and Galliano
1 1/2 oz. vodka and grenadine
Pour each ingredient into a separate shot glass. Serve one to yourself and
three other people. The person with the clear shot of vodka drinks first.
The person to his right drinks the Midori shot, and so on. If somebody
drinks out of order, develop a quick case of road rage and beat the living
crap out of him.
============================================================
BLUE TARP
1 1/2 oz. Curacao
2 oz. pineapple juice
Splash of lime
Combine ingredients in a leaky paper cup and serve. Wait six to eight
months for someone to repair the cup. If you're impatient, hire an
unlicensed, out-of-state contractor to do the job for an exorbitant sum
and pray he doesn't hurt himself in the process.
============================================================
FEMA FIZZLE
1 oz. Southern Comfort
2 oz. sloe gin
Tonic water
One week after the storm has passed and your neighborhood is still in
ruins with no sign of help on the way, combine Southern Comfort and gin in a
cocktail glass. Fill remainder with tonic and add a dash of Angostura
bitters. Serve with a nut brownie. Before drinking, raise the glass and
say the toast, "Doing a helluva job Brownie"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tropical Fizzle

1oz Southern Comfort
1oz Curacao
Pour over ice and top with Mello Yellow
Celebrate the mountains of Cuba by smoking a Cuban cigar and eat a Burrito while watching Johnny hit Mexico.

Remember to drink responsibly while tracking tropical cyclones.

All in good fun of course. Wish I could take credit for this but someone sent it to me.


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Colleen A.Moderator
Moderator


Reged: Sat
Posts: 1421
Loc: Florida 28.00N 81.90W
Re: The CFHC Bartenders Guide [Re: Ed Dunham]
      #72910 - Thu Aug 31 2006 12:50 AM

Oh my...that is too damned funny.

I'm gonna make one up for posters on the board. Just give me a second.

Chance.



--------------------
You know you're a hurricane freak when you wake up in the morning and hit "REFRESH" on CFHC instead of the Snooze Button.


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danielwAdministrator
Moderator


Reged: Wed
Posts: 3504
Loc: Hattiesburg,MS (31.3N 89.3W)
Re: The CFHC Bartenders Guide [Re: Colleen A.]
      #72911 - Thu Aug 31 2006 12:55 AM

Okay. Time is up!

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TampaRand
Weather Hobbyist


Reged: Fri
Posts: 76
Loc: Tampa FL
Re: The CFHC Bartenders Guide [Re: danielw]
      #72915 - Thu Aug 31 2006 04:59 AM

I e-mailed to the wife unit-it's all over creation now!

--------------------
Amateur Weather Prognosticator and Cane Junkie.
www.hurricanewx.net


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Colleen A.Moderator
Moderator


Reged: Sat
Posts: 1421
Loc: Florida 28.00N 81.90W
Hurricane Guide For Dummies: Chapter 1 and 2-1/2 [Re: Colleen A.]
      #73088 - Fri Sep 01 2006 02:17 AM

Welcome to Hurricane Season 2006. Here are some guidelines to get you through each and every wave/TD/TS/Hurricane that may come your way.

May 29th: Newspapers and cable news outlets all over the country will feel the need to "Alert" you to the fact that the Atlantic Hurricane season is exactly 47 hours and so many minutes away. This will happen approximately every 5-10 minutes. CNN will declare itself "Hurricane Central", MSNBC will declare itself "Hurricane Headquarters" and FNC will declare themselves as being "fair and balanced" when it comes to time to scare the living beegeezus out of everyone.
* Note: you will become painfully used to the "DING: THIS IS A FOX NEWS CHANNEL WEATHER ALERT". Please watch with caution.

Hurricane Safety Tips: You will see these in almost every store you visit. You will be asked to make sure that you have your "Hurricane Kit" together and packed away neatly so that when the time comes, you will be prepared. There's even a checklist; kinda like "The Hurricane Guide for Dummies" that you should fill out as you check off the stuff you don't have yet.

July: This is the month when pretty much everyone is on vacation up north (assuming you live in the Southeast) and no one pays attention to TWC -- no matter how much you love Jim Cantore. Please remember to put that checklist in a drawer/garbage can so that when you really need it, you won't have it.
Keep your ears tunes for the "DING: THIS IS A FOX NEWS WEATHER ALERT" because it's very important to them that you know that absolutely nothing is going on. Do not buy any batteries, water, canned food or candles at this time. Make sure your can opener is extremely rusty and that the propane tanks for your gas grill are completely empty. If you did buy tuna fish, now would be a good time to deplete your supply.

August: You will have become very familiar with the term "tropical wave" by now. Hint: a tropical wave is not something that people do when you have a whole bunch of people over to watch TWC. This is not a football game, it's an open wave. Please try to restrain yourself from waving your hands in the air and possbily slapping the person either directly in front and/or behind you. If you have bottled water and Raviolis on hand (preferably Chef Boyardee), this would be a great time to use it up with the rusty can opener. If possible, dull the blades on the can opener so that it is almost impossible to use. If needed, you can always use a screwdriver to open up any cans. Also..make sure that you do NOT have an emergency plan in case you have to leave suddenly. That would take out all the fun of trying to find a gas station as you inch your way out of harm's way. Make sure that he fuel gauge on your vehicle is set at "EMPTY". It's critical that you have no gasoline in your car so that you can pay an extra $50 .

More to come later......

--------------------
You know you're a hurricane freak when you wake up in the morning and hit "REFRESH" on CFHC instead of the Snooze Button.


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Colleen A.Moderator
Moderator


Reged: Sat
Posts: 1421
Loc: Florida 28.00N 81.90W
Re: Hurricane Guide For Dummies: Chapter 1 and 2-1/2 [Re: Colleen A.]
      #73168 - Sun Sep 03 2006 03:16 AM

CHAPTER 3: THE TIME HAS COME!

Well, fortunately for everyone that is unprepared, we now have a real, live Tropical Depression somewhere. The reason they call it a "Tropical Depression" is obvious: this poor storm system is depressed because it knows that Haita, Cuba and other landmasses have a 3-1 advantage over it. Tropical depressions do not like this; therefore, they tend to become Tropical Storms. This way, they actually have a name. Who wants to be known as just another number? For hypothetical reasons, we will name this storm Ed. Here is how the next 865 minutes and 4-1/2 seconds will play out.

CHAPTER 5 - TROPICAL STORM ED FORMS!

It doesn't really matter where TS Ed forms because we are pretty sure we know where he is going. Right towards our houses. As he bobs and weaves his way through upper level lows, shear, ridges, fronts and land, the experts will now begin to show you the "CONE OF DEATH". No matter where you live, somehow you will be in that cone --- if only for 32 seconds. You begin to look for the experts to tell you YJAroximately where this storm will hit. When they cannot pinpoint EXACTLY where landfall will be 10 days from now, you get extremely upset. But you are probably thinking, "Yeah right...like it will ever hit me!, you fools!"

CHAPTER 5 --- IT'S COMING YOUR WAY! NOW IS THE TIME TO GET HYSTERICAL!

It's 4:48am in the morning. Time for the NHC to tell you where they think it's going. The "Cone of Death" is all too familiar to you now...you're almost becoming friends with the "Cone of Death", mostly because it looks like a very lopsided ice cream cone..

More to come...."A HURRICANE IS HEADED YOUR WAY" + plus "HOW TO MAKE SURE YOU SPEND AS MUCH TIME IN WALMART TO GIVE YOUR HUSBAND/WIFE A HUGE BILL".



--------------------
You know you're a hurricane freak when you wake up in the morning and hit "REFRESH" on CFHC instead of the Snooze Button.


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